This past week my hubby, Blessing, and I moved down to my hubby's hometown because he started working for his grandfather's mechanic shop a few months ago.
After a successful moving weekend, hubby went back to work and I continued the unpacking process.
Before long, a day, maybe two, I started to feel very worthless because I was not bringing in an income yet. Yes, I know how dramatic that sounds, we have been in a new town for less than a week, mostly settled into our apartment, and yet I'm complaining that I do not have a place of employment to go to yet. Just humor me for a minute. My husband is faithfully going to work every day, for which I am very grateful. Because we are staying on the family property for now, which is above his grandfather's mechanic shop, everyone downstairs is working, and I am not. Guess you could say I feel worthless and jealous.
Don't get me wrong. I have been putting out resumes and working on making our new living space a home. I am not simply sitting around watching tv all day.
It occurred to me mid-week how much of my self-worth comes from doing versus being. This friend is when God pulls me aside and we have a good heart-to-heart. He reminded me that I am a daughter in Christ. Period. He reminded me that I find security in my account balance verse how much I trust God to provide for my needs. Ouch, yeah, that stung. I know He will provide for me because He always has and because God never changes, therefore He always will provide for me.
So for the last few days, I have been praying and wrestling through my trust issues with God and wanting to work and bring in an income. He has also taught me that the desire to work is good. God gives us the skills to work and provide for our families. When we want a job for the wrong reason, ie to make money instead of sharing our faith with our coworkers. As much as I do not want to admit it, I will be honest with myself and with you and say that I wanted a job for the money. So it is also time for a perspective change.
Funny enough, my husband and I had planned for me to have a week off after we moved so I could set up our home, and here we are, end of the week, and I did not enjoy it. Funny how that turned out. I completely forgot that I wanted a week off, but once I saw everyone else working, I wanted to work too.
By now, I'm sure you can tell that my thoughts and heart have been all over the place last few days. If you are still reading and have not gotten lost, I give you a gold star. Thankfully God is helping me iron out the wrinkles.
Part of the problem this past week is that I do not sit very well. Of course, I have not been physically sitting, I have spent the week setting up my morning routine, decorating our apartment and making it a home for my family, and finding lots of new places for Blessing and me to walk. So despite setting up our life here, I am not bringing in an income yet and therefore feel worthless among other things. As you can see it has been a very unpleasant time in my head and my heart.
Thankfully God has blessed me with a supportive family. Between my husband and a few other members, I have been able to vent my thoughts and share my heart with them and receive encouragement.
This brings me to this morning. During my devotional time with God, I was writing out my prayers and pouring out my heart to God. He reminded me of my worth in Christ. He then led me to Casting Crown's "I am Yours," as I meditated on the lyrics and allowed it to wash over me. I started to feel at peace because I am a daughter of Christ and am worthy because He makes me worthy.
Yes, I am still looking for work and am looking forward to contributing to my family's finances. I am okay because God is in control and will take care of it all. Okay, fine, I am not completely fine yet, I am still working on accepting it all, but in time I will be.
You see, on a human level, I am a strong, capable, resilient, hardworking woman who is used to working a physically demanding job and then coming home to my family. So when you take away my place of employment, all I have to do is make dinner and exercise Blessing. One family member reminded me that I am used to working it is hard for me to sit. They also encouraged me to use my time off to lean into God that much more because God has given me some time off.
Another friend reminded me that it's been a crazy few months, now God is giving me a chance to catch my breath. So I am going to try to enjoy it now. I want to pursue my relationship with God more, and dig deeper into my hobbies and develop my skills in writing and photography.
So there it is friends, it has been an emotional week. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good. I can "sit" and rest in God knowing that He is in control and as long as I am obedient and follow after Him, everything will work out.
I hope this post at the very least did not confuse you too much. My posts are usually much easier to follow, but that is life. It is not always smooth sailing. Have a wonderful evening friends, and God Bless. I am off to watch a movie with my hubby.
"As I stood under the tree, in its shade, I am reminded of how we are covered by God's mercy and grace."
After I wrote the rough copy of this post I went for a photo walk to find a picture to go along with it. Before I took this picture, God gave me the above thought. By blessed friends.
God Bless
~Ruth
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