Despite being a rather emotional person, I have no room or "time" for them in my life. I am a very black-and-white person. I like to get up early in the morning and, get my housework and other such things done and go to work. Where I know exactly what is expected of me and my coworkers. At work, we are expected to get our work done and interact with each other respectfully and pleasantly. I "enjoy" this type of environment. There is no guesswork about what kind of mood people will be in because they are expected to be pleasant, and if you are having a bad day, you distance yourself.
I am also a very task-oriented person, so getting a to-do list done is very satisfying to me. Similarly, when I am at work, I have a to-do list that mainly consists of the same things all day long, which I also enjoy. It allows me to spend my time thinking about other things that I need/want to do.
My "problems" arise once I get home. No, I am not dissing my hubby or throwing him under the bus. Next to Christ, he is the love of my life. I simply mean that home is where the emotions are. Where they are supposed to be. And yet, I expect my home to run the same way work does. I expect to arrive home and continue with my to-do list. Expect that's not how it works. Sometimes your work day has been long, and I do not have enough energy to finish that list or hubby wants to spend time together. Which, of course, I also wish to do. Time with him is one of my favourite things. You see, I have this "fear" that someone is going to walk into my home an hour after I get home and ask why I have not completed any tasks since getting home. Yes, I know. Completely irrational. A) No one is going to walk into my home, and B) I need to put my people pleasing at the foot of Jesus.
Yes, I have anxiety that rears its ugly head in many different places, just like many other people. I'm working on it though. I am working on not giving myself a to-do list for both my mornings and evenings. As I posted in a previous post, having a to-do list in the morning and evening would simply be playing into Satan's trap of being "BUSY" and I do not want that. I'm hoping that this new practice will help me to "make room" for emotions.
Because emotions are not bad. They are good. Jesus showed emotions throughout His time on earth. Emotions tell us how we are doing and if we need to change something. Whether that be adding something or subtracting something.
At the end of the day though, it all boils down to this. I need to stop working every minute of every day and give myself permission to relax and be human. This is a lesson that both Holy Spirit and my hubby have been trying to teach me for a long time and hopefully one of these days I will learn and apply this lesson. So much of my worth comes from "doing," but that's not what God originally intended. He created me to "be." Yes, work is important, but it does not define us, and it should not come before our relationship with God.
So there you have it friends, a highly emotional person who struggles with and kinda hates emotions. Life would be so much simpler if I were just a robot. But, that's not how God created me. So I have to learn how to "be human" and give myself the time and space to experience and enjoy all the emotions that God has given to us.
Thank you for reading along as I process that lessons that Holy Spirit teaches me and transforms me into the woman He wants me to be. I am praying blessings over you and all the things that you are going through as well.
God Bless
~Hannah
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