For seven years, I have hated Saturdays. I wanted to enjoy them, but I didn't. So much so. That I would dread Saturday arriving. Thursday was my "favourite" day of the week for most of these years because it meant that the weekend "aka" rest was on its way but hadn't arrived yet.
At first, it was because my husband had hobbies that he enjoyed on Saturdays, and I didn't. Leading me to feel jealous that he had something and I didn't. Of course, I didn't have the language to understand or express my feelings for years. He understood and tried to encourage me, but it never worked. This struggle lasted several years. You can imagine what it did to our marriage as well.
Fast forward a few years. Now, I have hobbies that I enjoy. I'm not passionate about them yet. One of my struggles at this point is that Saturdays have no routine or schedule. Both of which I love and thrive on. Monday - Friday, I had and still have the same routine. Get up, do housework and get ready for work. After work, I make dinner and walk Blessing. But, no matter how hard I tried, nothing worked. It could be 6 a.m., I've been up for less than an hour, and something has gone "wrong," and now my whole day has been ruined, and I feel depressed. My other struggle during this season is that my self-worth comes from working and earning a paycheque, so if I'm not at work earning a paycheque then I have little to no value. I want to believe I have worth outside of work and simply "doing," but I don't. This season also lasted a few years.
Finally, fast forward to somewhere in August 2023, when everything changed. I'm not sure of the exact date, but that doesn't matter. Hubby and I went out for the evening with family. Because of my self-worth issues, I said a few stupid things that hubby wasn't happy about, of which he was correct. I decided that night that it was time to start pressing in and asking God to fix my broken heart, and He did. He showed me my God-given value and has been helping me to allow His goodness to flow out of me instead of the muck that used to flow out of me. I've now had almost a month of good Saturdays. Now, I enjoy most of my hobbies every Saturday, including my newest addition, sewing. More on that later. It's been amazing watching God do a miracle in and through me. I believe one of the reasons why they always went "wrong" was because Monday through Friday, my morning routine starts very early and is very strict and rigid. I wanted Saturday to be the same, but struggled to get out of bed at three or four a.m. when I had nowhere to be, even though I wanted to get up that early. But Saturdays have a more relaxed "vibe" than Monday through Friday, and struggled with the different emotions involved in these days. Also, words and language that I struggled with/ didn't have and therefore couldn't connect the dots in my head and heart. It's funny how once we have the words/language to communicate how we are feeling, we can process them and act accordingly.
I know that a lot of my issues including my ability to enjoy Saturdays, stemmed from my lack of self-worth and not accepting my values as a child of Christ. But I had no idea how much my life would improve once I started living out my true identity and not worrying about what the world thinks or feels about me.
I wish I could explain exactly what happened, but I cannot. Looking back on these last few months and all the work God and I have been doing to heal my broken, self-conscious heart, I suspect that enjoying my Saturdays was simply going to be one of the many benefits and blessings of accepting my true identity in Christ. Makes me wish I had worked on these issues years ago. I also know that God knew when I would turn to Him for healing in this area and that I would struggle for years with not believing that I was worth anything more than simply a paycheck.
It reminds me of the scene in Shrek where Shrek is comparing himself to an onion to Donkey and how Ogres have layers like onions. Similarly, as God heals one aspect of my self-worth another layer is revealed to be healed and blessed by God.
When I started down the path of healing with God, my main intention was to stop disliking myself, okay, fine, stop hating myself. Yes, hate is a strong word, but that's how I felt about myself. My hatred of myself caused me to project all my negative emotions on those around me, and I was getting tired of it.
But God has healed me, and I no longer project, or at least way less than before, and I now get to enjoy my Saturdays.
All I know for sure is that God is good and faithful.
The moral of the story friend, is that we need to accept and believe in our identity in Christ because everything stems from it. So much of how we interact with the world around us depends on how we feel about ourselves. If we choose to believe what the world says, our worth will go up and down with the trends. But if we believe what God says, our identity will never change because God doesn't change.
Praise God that in a constantly changing world, God never changes. With so much inconsistency in the world, it brings me peace when I remember that God doesn't change
I pray this post finds you well and blesses you in whatever way you need it to tonight friend.
God Bless
~Hannah
Practicing Self- Portrait Skills
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