Gentle and Quiet Spirit

    A few months ago my husband and I were talking about what it means to be a woman of God, of which I desire to be. He brought up 1 Peter 3:4 "Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

    I have been struggling with this verse because I am not a quiet and gentle person. I tend to be loud and in your face. I am also a black-and-white person. There are no grey areas in my life or my thought process. At first, I practiced this new characteristic by simply not talking unless spoken to. This upset and freaked out my husband because whenever I am stone quiet it means I'm mad and have gone into robot mode. Then I would lash out and say that it was all his idea that I started practicing this characteristic.  He responded that it was God's idea and not his. Of which he is right, I was just mad and lashed out. I spent a few weeks wrestling with the verse but didn't know what to do with it. I talked to my therapist about it and she said to replace the word quiet with "at peace." I looked the verse up in other translations to see if anyone else used a different word. They all used the same "gentle and quiet" but the principle that it could also mean "at peace" resonated with me. I have no desire to rewrite the Bible, but looking at this verse from this new angle was very helpful.

    You see, it's not that I'm a loud and in-your-face kind of person. It's that I'm defensive and on guard. But when I focus on God, His peace and give myself grace I am more at peace and less defensive and therefore more quiet and gentle. It's also about knowing, remembering and walking out my identity in Christ. And when I focus on those things, I am able to naturally practice having a quiet and gentle spirit. It's oddly relaxing when you can properly practice being quiet and gentle.

    The next two weeks were wonderful. I was at peace and didn't overact and freak out about anything. The last few days have been less than stellar though but I've realized that it was because I was tired from overtime at work. I'm not excusing it, simply understanding why I'm freaking out and trying to work with myself to not.

    In regards to the "quiet" reference of the verse, I don't think it means that we must be silent and only speak when spoken to. I'm coming to terms with it simply meaning that there is a time to talk and a time to listen and/or hold your tongue. It's still a work in progress but at least there is progress.

    I didn't overreact/ freak out for those two weeks because I gave myself grace and space to be tired from work with our overtime season. Except I didn't even realize I was doing it until I stopped. For the next few weeks or so we have extended our hours at work, meaning longer days and a Saturday shift. I did one Saturday because I'm a people pleaser, and I could use a few extra bucks, but not this Saturday (now yesterday). In fact, I'm done with Saturday shifts. Anyway for the first week of overtime which was two weeks ago now, I would get into the car when hubby picked me up and he would ask how I was, like every other day. I would respond with "tired." He would then lovingly ask why and I would say because I just worked 9 hours vs my regular 8. And then he would say "Fair enough." It's funny, you don't feel that extra hour at work, but as soon as you get home, you do. Or at least I do. Anyway, I was unknowingly giving myself grace and understanding for being tired and the other negative side effects of overtime.

    The Saturday I worked last weekend I went into work just fine and came out the same. I spent Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon asleep. I looked at hubby Sunday night and said that was it. No more overtime on Saturdays. I was worn out and didn't get to enjoy any time with my family. Then I started excitedly planning the next weekend (this one). But in the planning for this next weekend and still exhausted from Saturday, I forgot to give myself grace for the week and then overreacted/freaked out several times and unloaded on my undeserving husband several times.

    Over the last week of work and a few weeks of life, I'm coming to the realization I need to give myself grace every day, especially on the days when I cannot measure up to what I think I should be able to do and focus on God and what He says about me in His Word.

I pray this post blesses, encourages, and if needed, challenges you in your walk with Christ.

God Bless

~Hannah

Learning to Sacrifice

    Last week my husband called me out on not prioritizing him properly and putting my hobbies ahead of him. Not in a selfish way by any means. He was calling my priorities into question and realignment, of which he was right. I apologized and said  I would work on it.

    Later that day he said he wanted to watch a bunch of Christmas movies before Christmas. We sat down and made a list. I counted the number of movies and compared it to the number of days left until Christmas. We could watch them all in time with two or maybe three grace days.

    The next day at work I'm thinking about it and thinking about how over the next two weeks I wouldn't have any time to myself. Our afternoons and evenings would consist of walking Blessing, shower, supper, Christmas movie and then bed. With no personal time. I'm not sure if my next thought was mine or Holy Spirit, but I don't remember and I don't wish to sound more spiritual than I am. Anyway, my next thought was that by laying down my own desires and such for the next two weeks and watching movies with hubby, this would be a great way to practice sacrificing my wants and putting hubby first. He won't always come first, of course, sometimes I will come first because that's how love and marriage work. Love is an action and sometimes that action is sacrifice. 

    That Monday evening he asked me to watch a Christmas movie I sighed. He momentarily got upset and then I explained what happened in the primer booth earlier that day. I told him how I was going to practice sacrificing my time for him. He was appreciative and excited to start watching Christmas movies. I also told him I had a plan to make him sugar cookies. I tried last year and it failed. This year I had a better plan. The first recipe flunked, the instructions were not written well and therefore confusing and then leading me to fail. I found a second recipe, with the same ingredients but better instructions that worked. A few days later I tried to make icing but we didn't like the flavour of it. Hubby saw how much work I was putting into that endeavour and told me to stop and try again next year. I was grateful and relieved. He felt loved and blessed and I now have a better plan for next year.

    Anyways, back to the movies. The first few days of movies went very well. Hubby was feeling loved and prioritized. On Wednesday, he asked me to go on a dinner date with him. He said we hadn't been out for a nice dinner in a while. He wanted me to get dressed up so that he could take me out for dinner. Music to my ears. On Saturday night we got dressed up and went for dinner.

    The next week started to feel hard. I started to get tired and wanted some downtime. I was then reminded that sacrifice isn't easy, if it was, it wouldn't be called sacrifice. I told hubby I was struggling but pushing through and processing in my journal also helped. One night during the second week we picked a shorter movie, which allowed for some downtime afterwards and helped me to feel refreshed. I knew that it would all be worth it in the end, and it was. Hubby felt loved and prioritized and I had practiced sacrificing my me time.

    Again, this was all back in December and now we are in mid-January. Looking back, I barely remember the sacrifice. I do remember feeling satisfied checking off the last movie on our list a few days before Christmas and getting to love on my hubby.

    So, do you need to practice sacrificing something in your life in order to love on someone in your life? It's not easy, but its worth it.

    I pray this blesses and encourages you today, friend.

God Bless

~Hannah

Teaching Someone to Prime

    It has been a rather eventful week and a half at work. I have been the main primer at work for about six months now, and before that, I was the secondary/backup primer for about six months as well. A few months ago, it dawned on me that the next time we hire a new painter or primer, I will be the one training them in primer.

    Primer itself is not a hard job. Its a skill set to be learned for sure, but not actually hard. At times stressful, but that's because I'm a worry wort with anxiety and constantly question myself. Anyway, I have also trained lots of people over the years at different jobs and it all went fine. I'm a good teacher. I even taught a coworker how to drive and she passed her G1 exit test and received her G2. So I have the ability to teach. A week and a half ago I quickly learned that teaching primer would be a whole other ball game. It's an epic balancing game. You want the parts to turn out good with no runs or light spots, which of course a trainee is likely going to do both because they are new and likely have no idea what they are doing. You are also against the clock. Aka, the line moving parts in and out of the booth. Plus my booth is eight feet wide. So not much room for teaching or personal space.

    One way to describe it is the ultimate test of giving up control. Of which I am in therapy. I have learned that control issues are simply surface level issue with lots of other underlying issues. In my case trust issues and fear. In regards to primer, I don't trust that the trainee will do a good job. I know that they will do their best, but until they know what they are doing their best likely won't be very good. Which of course is not their fault. When you are brand new you tend to suck. I'm also afraid that the parts won't turn out well and because I'm the trainer and "in control" of the situation, the bad parts will be on me. Which is true in a sense. 

    A coworker then reminded me that all we can do is direct traffic and hope for the best. The key to training is balancing which parts the trainee can handle and which they cannot. You want to put them on the easier ones first and then gradually move them to the harder ones. You want them to get lots of practice because how else will they learn? But if the parts aren't turning out good you want to take over and have the trainee watch you prime for a while, but you don't want them to feel bad or at least I don't. I also don't take criticism well so I don't want to give it out to someone I don't know. I also know that perception is huge and even if I say a part turned out good vs great the trainee might misinterpret it and think that you think that they suck, more than what is expected as a new person. I had one trainee, and while I was fiddling with my respirator my safety glasses started falling off. I took them off and tossed them on my stool in the booth because the part was about to exit the booth and it needed fixing. The poor trainee thought I was frustrated with him because I tossed my glasses. I wasn't and explained myself later. It's also hard to communicate in the booth because it's loud and you are wearing a respirator.

    Long story short, I had to learn how to train someone while training them. It was quite the experience. A few days later that trainee was ready to move onto the next stage and I received my next trainee. The second round was much easier because I know what I was doing.

    Its been a month now, this all happened at the beginning of December, but I haven't had time to type up any journal posts. I shared the stress and struggle with my therapist about this experience and she encouraged me that if they didn't trust me with the task they wouldn't have given me people to train. Encouraging me that I'm good at my job and good at training. Just what I needed to hear. So, if you are facing a stressful or challenging situation at work, remember that there is a good chance that your boss put you in that situation because they believe you can handle it. And now all you have to do is believe that you can handle it. Easier said than done, I know.

Have a blessed week friends and a happy new year.

~Hannah

Missing the snow.