I share this in order to encourage you that you are not alone. I have been battling an anorexic mindset for years. It started out slow and then grew and developed as the years went on. I also spent years denying that I had a problem. Partly because I confused symptoms of anorexia with other eating disorders. The symptom I was confusing was the one where you look in the mirror and think you are fat when you are not. I thought it was a symptom of anorexia, and because I don't struggle with that issue, I figured I didn't have anorexia. Add in a healthy dose of self-worth and self-esteem issues, and you get an unhealthy relationship with food and your body.
It started in my late teens. I had the idea that if I didn't need the energy to complete a task or go out, I wouldn't bother eating. On the weekend, that is. During the week, I ate every meal. Like most teenagers, I slept in on the weekend, and then by the time I was hungry, it would be lunchtime. As a child, I had hypoglycemia, so my mindset around that was 'eat to avoid fainting,' which is also the wrong mindset. We should eat because we are hungry and we enjoy food. Not simply to avoid fainting or any other health problem.
As an adult, I have struggled with the mindset of needing to earn/deserve food. This is where the anorexic mindset really kicked in. Feeling like you have to earn your dinner or snack is really messed up.
Finally, after spending years in denial, I googled the symptoms of anorexia and realized I do struggle with it. I then confessed to my hubby, who, of course, had known for years and had been trying to convince me of it. I didn't take it seriously until I told my therapist about it. As we started our session that day, she asked how I was doing, and I told her that hubby and I had a discussion about my anorexic mindset. I think I accidentally shocked her. She told me that it is a very serious mental health problem. She also told me that out of all the mental health problems, it leads to the most deaths. I had no idea. After that session, I started taking it much more seriously.
One of my thoughts about food is that if I'm exhausted after work, then I don't want to eat because I don't have the energy. I do suffer the next day though. If I skip supper I'm very hungry before lunch the next day. Even with eating breakfast and snack. I also struggle with the idea that food is for nourishment and not pleasure. Its both.
I started to get some good breakthroughs when I discovered that food gives you energy. I thought it was simply to satisfy a grumbling tummy. One night, after a particularly exhausting day at work, I had no energy. I ended up taking an afternoon nap. When I woke up, I made hubby some sausages in the air fryer for supper. Then I lay back down. I was so exhausted. I wanted more sleep and had no desire to make myself a sausage. But I couldn't go back to sleep. I was feeling over-tired and disoriented. I decided to make myself a sausage as well and see how I felt after. I was amazed that the sausage revived me, and all of a sudden, I was awake. That night ended up being a huge turning point for me. My perspective towards food started to change for the better.
I started to adjust my diet. I like to eat healthy, and I thought I was doing fine. Of course, hubby and therapist knew better. I eat garden salads, fruit, chocolate and whatever I make for supper. I wasn't getting any protein and minimal carbs at lunch and needed to add some. I didn't think I needed any because my garden salad was filling me up. Or so I thought. I would have chicken strips on the side of my salad from time to time. Then I decided to add a piece of flatbread and make the whole thing into a wrap. So far, so good. I have put on a few healthy pounds that I needed.
I still have my bad days. When I am hungry but don't want to eat. But they are fewer and further apart then before. Those are the days where my mindset is focused on deserving food verses simply needing it for both hunger and nourishment.
If you struggle with anorexia or something similar, I pray this encourages you and that you get the help you need. If you don't struggle with it, then praise the Lord.
God Bless
~Hannah
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