God is working on calming me down. I'm less reactive. I feel myself freaking out and can take a step back and breath through it. In the past, I would freak out and then figure out why I was upset. I can now see how ridiculous it is to simply throw something when you hurt yourself (I’m accident-prone and walk into things on a regular basis) or are upset. I feel more at peace and am becoming the woman that I believe God wants me to be.
It all started last Sunday(two weeks ago now). The worship team played the last song to end the service. They played 'Made for More' by Josh Baldwin. They kept repeating the lines, 'you buried my past, so I'm not going back, Hallelujah. I was made for more.' Holy Spirit spoke to me in those moments. As the song proceeded, I went closer to the altar with both hands raised. God has also been helping me to be more expressive and authentic in my worship. Hubby and I sit in the front row, but in those moments, I felt the need to go to the altar. I sang out, 'you buried my past, so I'm not going back.' In my heart, I was referring to not overreacting anymore. You see, like many people, I have struggles, shocker, I know. For me, the majority of my struggles stem from self-esteem and self-worth issues. I know what God's word says, but I struggle terribly with believing it. Because of those struggles, I overreact very easily and think that my worth is being attacked regularly. It's not. But the enemy likes to tell me that it is, especially when I am tired.
But I'm getting really tired of overreacting and don't want to get upset anymore. Like I said earlier, 99% of the time I overreact before I even know what I am upset about. Not helpful, I know. I have started texting hubby through out the day and telling him about the things that are frustrating me. I like to think that once I leave work that the frustrations of the day stay at work and that I’m not bothered by the events of my day. But then I get home and realize that its not the case and I get upset over something silly at home. Now that I'm getting better at texting him through the day and telling hubby what is going on and venting a little, it has been helping to prevent me from getting upset when I get home. Otherwise, as soon as I get home, I get upset and yet don't know why. I’m basically learning to process my emotions before they can process me.
The other day I was in the kitchen and I hurt myself or something, I don't recall exactly what happened anymore, but I do remember getting mad and Holy Spirit helped me to step back and breathe through it instead of getting upset and throwing something. It was almost like an out of body experience, I could see the whole thing from someone's else's perspective and how ridiculous it all looked. I'm not there yet, but I am getting better.
I also have a tendency to get upset and flip out when I don't get my way. Yes, very childish, I know. Well, last night I didn't get my way, and instead of flipping out, I moved on. Hubby said no to something with valid reasoning, and I submitted and respected his answer. Which is exactly what God calls me to do. “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” Ephesians 5:22-24 KJV. I walked away and did the dishes. Did I give a perfect attitude? No, but I didn't get upset. I'm calling that progress and improvement. I then climbed into bed and prayed and thanked God for working in me.
I'm not perfect, though. After church this past week, we went to A&W for lunch. Our debit cards were not working properly for some reason. At first, I thought it was because the worker was moving the machine away too quickly, which he was. Hubby's card was denied twice, so we tried mine. At that point, I'm a little annoyed and firmly tell the guy not to move the machine away so quickly. I didn't yell, but I also didn't say please. My card eventually worked. We found out the next day that our debit cards had expired. Perfect time for a postal strike. LoL Hubby correctly rebuked me, and then I worked on calming down and giving it all to God. Didn't really work though, and I ended up freaking out in the car at hubby. So I still have work to do, but God and I are making progress.
I've been wanting this change in me for a long time, but I'm afraid of change and would rather suffer in my comfort zone than change. Right before God did a big work in me, I started half-heartedly praying for God to help. I also get nervous about asking God to work in me because you never know exactly what He is going to do. But I finally came to the end of myself and said that I need more Jesus and less of me, and over a few days prayed and asked God to start working in me. Then the above Sunday happened, and I feel God working in my life and calming me down.
Still not perfect, but drastically improved. I still have my moments, but they are becoming fewer and further between and less dramatic.
I share this because I love writing about what God is doing in my life and to encourage you in your walk with Christ, and to remind us all that no matter how put-together someone may look, we are all facing battles that no one knows about. Unless we tell them that is. 😉
I pray this blesses and encourages you today, friend.
Happy Thanksgiving
God Bless
~Hannah
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