Obedience in the Small Things

    Sensory Exercise. I used a bottle of nail polish. As I held it in my left hand, I felt its shape, size, weight, etc. I  tried to squeeze it, but of course, you can only squeeze so far because it is glass. I'm not able to shrink glass like a squishy toy, plus if I did squeeze it and I was strong enough, I would break it which would make a big mess. Paint everywhere, dangerous glass that could cut me and anyone else who comes near me. Just like when I try to control situations that are not mine to control.

    God didn't create me to be strong enough to be able to break the bottle or be able to handle life on my own. If He did create me like that then I wouldn't need Him or anyone else and I believe He knew that when He created me and everyone else on this earth. Not everything is in our control. Nor is it supposed to be.

    When I took the bottle out of my left hand and put it on my lap, leaving both palms free and facing up, I  then examined my left hand. It felt like a weight had been lifted (yes, I know a literal weight had been lifted, but it also felt spiritual). Like God was taking away the burden. The sensation still felt heavy and yet empty. Like I had given something up. It felt relieving. Felt good to put it down.

    For a long time, I have been trying to put down my anger and control at the foot of the cross and simply give it to God. Unfortunately, it hasn't always worked.

    The church spends a lot of time telling us to leave our burdens at the feet of Jesus and walk in freedom. For some, it works and we can instantly walk away from these or other problems. Whereas for others, it is a process that involves counseling to help you get to the root of the problem and allow God to heal those issues/wounds. Even in the Bible, some people were healed instantly, and yet there was the one man who had to wash seven times before he was fully healed.

    When I sat down to do this sensory training homework from my counselor I felt a little awkward and silly. But I wanted to be faithful to my homework from my counselor and put the effort in so I can continue to grow. I read the instructions and started the exercise and from the moment I tried to squeeze the bottle until I took it out of my hand, God and I shared a wonderful moment and an amazing lesson. Neither of which I was expecting but I am so blessed for having experienced them. After sitting quietly with God for a moment I know I needed to journal to help me further process these experiences so I could share them with my counselor during our next session. As I was writing out what I was feeling, experiencing, and thinking about God kept revealing more to me which has now led me to this full-size post that I was not expecting to write or share. It reminds me of the saying, "if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." Well, my plan was simply to be obedient to my homework and not only talk the talk but walk the walk. God had other plans and wanted to teach and bless me through this exercise. No complaints here friends.

    When I was writing the end of this post and thinking about the lesson/ message God wanted me to share with you. My first thought was that it was the whole, "let go and let God." Let God take control of your life and of those difficult situations where we think we know best, but in reality, God knows best. And I'm sure for some of you, this will then be the lesson you take away.

    For others, I believe it is about obedience. When we are obedient in the small things, like doing this little exercise, God rewards and blesses us.

    So what things do you need to let go of or be obedient to friends?

Copyright for this exercise goes to my counselor and their office. I did not use the full name of the exercise or fully describe how to do the exercise or the science behind the exercise, but I would rather be safe than sorry. I am simply sharing how God used the exercise, to draw me closer to Him.

God Bless

~Hannah

A beautiful scene on a beautiful day.

First Box

I have wanted to write short stories for a while now and finally started. Found a "writing prompt" on Pinterest about packing a box. The rest was my imagination. Enjoy. 

    Emily sat down on the floor and started packing the first box. She had been avoiding packing for months. She kept telling herself she was too busy and would get to it later. Truthfully, she was avoiding the task altogether. Because the longer she avoided packing the first box, she could still pretend that her beloved grandparents were still alive and coming over for Sunday dinner. If she started packing up their things, she would have to admit; that they were gone. A reality she knew in her heart but did not want to admit out loud. Grandma died last year and Grandpa just a few months ago, but by having their possessions on display, it was as if they were still alive.

    When her grandparents went into the nursing home, Emily and her husband moved out of their apartment and into her grandparent's house. The house was part of her inheritance. When her grandparents moved into the nursing home they wanted her to move into their home right away to maintain it and save on living expenses.

    Since grandpa's funeral, she had slowly moved their possessions into the spare bedroom which was now collecting dust. It did not feel right to move their things before they had passed. She had already picked her favorite pictures, books, and knickknacks that she had adored since childhood. She was not getting rid of all their things. Just things that she nor anyone else would have any use for, and it was not like she was just throwing it all out. She was going to donate it to a local charity for those less fortunate. A request her grandparents had stated in their will. They did not want to be a burden once they were gone. They gave instructions for certain items, like the glass candy that, they knew she wanted. Which was now happily on display in her living room. For other stuff, they simply said take what you want and donate the rest. They did not want their loved ones storing their possessions and taking up unnecessary space in their homes. They knew that the stuff was not important. The memories and love that they all shared were important.

    Even still, the task in front of Emily felt like the biggest job she had ever taken on. Of course, it was not the biggest task of her life, after all, she was a high-power lawyer. Putting things in a box was nothing compared to the cases she handled at work every day. But in her heart, it was the biggest task ever. Saying good buy to her grandparents was in reality saying goodbye to the only family she ever had. Her parents died in a tragic car accident when she was five years old, so her grandparents raised her. Despite the great loss her family suffered, they made a beautiful life for the three of them. She would be eternally grateful for them.

    It was time; time to pack the boxes and say good bye to her grandparents.

    You see, her spare room was no longer a "spare room" it was going to be the new nursery. She and her husband found out a few weeks ago that they were expecting a baby girl and now they needed to transform their spare room into a castle fit for a princess.

    They still had six months until their baby girl would arrive. But, she wanted to have lots of time to enjoy the process of building her little girl's room and not simply rush through it. But before she could start envisioning the room, it needed to be cleaned out and cleanse her palette as it were.

    So she took a deep breath, grabbed the first cardboard box, and started gently packing her grandparent's belongings. Before long, the box was full and she was ready for the next one. Before long she had packed several boxes and came to realize how much better she was feeling. As Emily packed another box she saw a little sign that her grandparents hung in their entranceway by the shoe rack that read, "The first step is always the hardest." She paused for a moment to reflect on how relevant that was today. Now that she was past the first "step" and had packed the first box, the rest were simply boxes, and, in a few short hours, they would all be packed and ready to be donated. She was happy with herself. Not only was she getting a big chore done, but she was finally getting the closure she needed in order to move on with her life. She was no longer in denial of her grandparent's death. Instead of missing her grandparents and wishing they were still alive, she could now look back at the memories she shared with them and be grateful for the life she shared with them. She would always miss them, but in a different way. Her mourning would now gradually turn into sweet memories. She was amazed by how much closure she had received by simply taking the first step and packing that first box. She felt proud of herself for finally taking the first step in moving on. Her husband would be home from work in an hour, and then they could pack the truck and donate the boxes. Then tomorrow, after work, she could start envisioning her baby girl's new bedroom and start planning for their next adventure of parenthood. The thought of decorating the room brought a smile to her face because she knew this was what her grandparents would want. Her only regret was that they would never meet their great-granddaughter on this side of Heaven, but she took comfort in knowing that; they would be watching over her.

    As she got up off the floor and looked around the room, she was amazed by how much was now possible simply because she packed the first box.

Season of Change

    It's been a busy and stressful few weeks. I started counseling, a new job (within the company I currently work for) and trying to change some personal habits/routines to better my life and my family.

    I'm excited to start digging deep and working with my counselor on my anger, control, and self-worth issues. I've needed counseling for quite some time and have finally found one that is affordable and faith-based. Praise God. From my first session alone, I learned that I am not an angry person. I get angry. When a situation is not going the way I want it to and how to deal with those emotions more healthily. I will be learning to widen my "window of tolerance" which will inevitably reduce my reactions.

    I do not want anger and frustration to be the results when I feel triggered and I am excited to work with God and my counselor to be the woman of God that God designed me to be before I was even born. Because I am not an angry person, I just get frustrated easily.

    I was reflecting on who I am on the way to my first session and my response was, "I'm a workaholic who does not get to enjoy the life I want to because I am either working or tired from working and then I get frustrated because of it." So I am trying to have a better work/life balance. Ironically I am starting up a dog walking business on top of my regular job, so I'm not sure I understand the concept of work/life balance. That or I'm ignoring my needs and living in "robot" mode. Something else I also need to work on. Thank goodness we are all a "work in progress."

    A few weeks ago, an opening came up at work for a painter. A clean job, no more sanding dust. Since I started working for this company last November and subtracting the month that I left and tried a different job, I have been sanding a variety of car parts for the last nine months. Needless to say, I got bored and wanted something new. So I applied for the painter job and God blessed me with the job. Like any new job, the first few days were stressful while I started learning this new skill. I moved around a bit between the different steps of the painting process and started to get a feel for the steps that I understood and the ones that escaped me. Thankfully when it came time to be officially placed and fully learn the step I would be in my bosses and I agreed on what step was the best fit for me. I am now digging into the techniques and tips and tricks for doing my new job and I can honestly say I like it. It was so satisfying when my trainer would inspect a part I had painted and approve of the part. One of my favorite benefits of my new job is that I am now in a painter's suit and no longer wearing a mask. Meaning I can wear makeup without it rubbing off on the mask. I do not require makeup to leave my home or anything, but I enjoy it, and it is part of my self-care routine. For me, taking the time to do my makeup instead dusting or folding the laundry tells me that I am important and it is okay to take a few minutes for myself.

    In regards to my personal life and my routines and habits. I wanted to reduce my tv time and input more reading time. I enjoy reading, mainly in bed before going to sleep, it helps me relax and unwind. For years I have wanted to enjoy reading during the day (on the weekends) but I am also a bit of a tv junky and can easily spend hours watching tv instead of reading a book. Plus because reading puts me to sleep I would only ever read for a half hour or so before falling asleep for a bit, which was kind of annoying. Tv does not put me to sleep.

    The first week I started by simply trying to replace tv with reading. So instead of watching tv in the evening for an hour before going to bed, I would pick up my book. After a few days I was enjoying it and was impressed with how much I was reading (I'm a slow reader). I had taken a few books out from the library and when I realized how thick they were and how long the rental window is for them I knew I would have to power read them. Yes, I know I can renew them. But the idea of renewing them was giving me anxiety. (don't ask, I don't know why) So I got intentional with reading them. So intense that I finished them both within two weeks. They are not due for five more days. In the past, a book of roughly 400 pages would take me a month. Well with my new routine changes I read each of them in a week. Leaving a week to spare before they are due back. Just goes to show what you can do when you put your mind to it and stop making excuses. The best part of my tv vs reading time is that now I have almost no interest in tv. No, I'm not a tv snob or anything, hubby and I enjoy watching tv together still. But now I enjoy reading instead of watching tv. Something I have wanted for years. I usually feel bad and upset with myself when I binge tv on the weekends. This Saturday I spent probably 8 hours reading, finished the second book, and felt satisfied. 

    I also wanted to change up my daily/weekly routine to better manage my time and energy and "waste" less time. Thankfully my new shift time at work is encouraging those changes. I am still ironing out the kinks for those new routines, but I have a better idea of how to do it now versus a week ago.

    Because of how busy the last few weeks have been I was looking forward to relaxing this weekend and I believe I have reached that goal. My favorite part of all this is that because I got better with my reading/relaxing habit over the last two weeks I was already prepared for and knew how to unwind when Saturday morning arrived and did not have to stress over how to. I guess you could say I'm slowly learning how to work hard and play hard.

    So that is where I am at friends. When I sat down to start typing this post the enemy started telling me lies that no one cares about what I had to say in this post and I started to doubt why I was writing it. I then started questioning what things I should write about in my blog because I enjoy my blog. My hubby came into the living room a few minutes later and asked how I was doing. I told him about my feeling and my anxieties about my blog and he asked me, "Are you writing for attention or yourself?" I said, "Because I like writing and like my blog." Then he said, "So write it." Such a wise man. Of course, he is right. I do enjoy my blog. Yes, I enjoy the lovely comments telling me you enjoyed reading it and my skills as a writer. Who doesn't like a pat on the back? So I will keep writing whenever the mood strikes and pray that it blesses those who read it.

~Hannah