For most of my life, or at least as long as I can remember, I have struggled with my self-worth and physical looks. I have gone through seasons where I do a little better and believe a little more that I am beautiful and worth it. Whatever "it" is. Overall, it has been a losing battle for many years.
I have been a hard worker for as long as I can remember. The problem is that I believe I am a hard worker. In my opinion, it is a fact about me. Like my height. I'm 5ft 4in, a simple truth that thoughts and opinions cannot change. I don't believe I am beautiful or worth it. I have read Scripture telling me what God says about me, but it never really sticks. The reason I use hard work as a comparison to my worth and beauty is that between my character and the Word of God, both of these things are facts. Neither of them are opinions or ideas that can be disputed.
Near the end of August, I started a Bible reading plan about my identity in Christ. I have also read or at least started many reading plans on my worth and beauty, but again, nothing ever sticks. After spending so many years not liking myself and hurting those around me, I'm tired. Looking back, I'm not sure what pushed me to start this plan. But I did. Didn't finish it mind you. Anyways, the first verse in the first day's reading was Psalm 139:14, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well." A verse I have known my whole life. I have also always struggled with the word "fearfully." But have never done anything about it. This time, I decided to change that and looked up this verse in other translations to see if anything else sounded better to my ears. Sure enough, The Message version uses the word "marvelously" made. I liked that better. So I sat on that for a few days.
Then one day at work I was thinking through all these things. I texted hubby and asked him if he thought I was choosing not to believe what God says about my worth and looks. He said yes. That I was choosing to not believe God's Word. Kinda heart to hear, but I needed it. He is such a blessing, and I don't know what I would do without him. So I decided to pray about it. I wasn't in the privacy of the sanding booth though. I was out on the floor in the buffing department. In full view of most of my coworkers. I didn't want to pray because they could see me, but I reminded myself that I was praying in my heart and no one could read my mind. The enemy was trying to discourage me from talking to God because I'm not afraid or embarrassed to be public about my faith. So I started praying. I asked God to forgive me for choosing not to believe Him and take Him at His Word about my worth and looks. Holy Spirit then said to me that by not believing what God says in His Word, it is as if I am spitting on the cross and what Jesus did for me. That hit hard. Right between my eyes. I never have nor ever will intentionally spit on the work of the cross and what Jesus did for me. Jesus's death and resurrection are the basis of our Christian faith. Without it, our faith is null and void.
So I'm working on choosing to believe in what God says and believe that I have worth as a person created in the image of God and that He created me beautifully. Genesis 1:27 NIV, "So God created mankind in his image, in the image of God he created them." I have believed in God since childhood, but I don't always take him at His word.
I'm working on choosing my words better when speaking to others and myself. I spent years putting others down in the hopes of elevating myself. To no avail of course. God has also been using a dear friend of mine to remind me of my worth and it's been breaking my heart in the best way.
It's been a slow and at times painful journey, but I'm slowly telling Satan where he can go and that I no longer believe what he says about me. I am choosing to believe what God says. Because I do believe what God says. I believe that every word of the Bible is true, I just don't always believe it for myself. But I'm working on that, one day at a time. And you can too friend. Whatever lies the enemy is trying to tell you, God's Word has an answer for you, and His Word is true.
A friend once said to me, "It must be nice to be a size 6 with an hourglass figure". I said, "Just because I am smaller and have a nice figure, does not mean I have self-confidence." She being a bigger girl, was shocked. Guess she figured us smaller girls have it easier. The point is that something or someone might look good to you on the outside, does not mean that they don't have self-confidence issues.
I pray this post finds you well this rainy Sunday evening and blesses you in whatever season of life you are in.
God Bless
~Hannah
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