Working Through Insecurities With God.

    Whether we are willing to admit to it or not, we all have insecurities. Some people have insecurities about their bodies or a skill set that they either don't have or don't have enough of, and some have both. The one that I'm going to open up about today is my "high/tall" forehead. I have spent years thinking that I had a high forehead. From the wrong angle, and if my hair is tied back I look bald. Also, because I'm pale and blonde, my hairline is not necessarily as apparent as someone with more contrast between the two. Yes, I know, first-world problems. Either way, it's something I struggle with. So I have been hiding my high forehead behind bangs for years. For most of that time, I have loved my bangs. At one point my favourite way to wear my hair was a high bun with my blunt bangs curled up a bit. But it's time to face this insecurity, stop hiding behind my bangs and grow them out.

    I'm still styling them accordingly until they grow out. They have just reached the "in my eyeballs" phase. Yes, I could just pin them back while they grow out, but I don't want to change the direction of my hairline quite yet. Plus I prefer the look of simply pushing them to the side as they grow vs pinning them back.

    When I first made the decision I thought about changing the style of bang. Leave my blunt bangs behind and go back to a side-swept bang. A style that I have always loved but never really worked on me. I thought that I would give them another try. A few days later  I decided that wouldn't be the right decision either, because I would still be hiding behind my bangs and not working through my insecurities. A big reason for working through this insecurity and why I'm sharing it is because I desire to be a godly role model for the next generation of young girls and women. Part of that means being honest about the things that I struggle with and telling/showing the people around me, girls and young women in particular what God is doing in my life.

    I once had a family member who is on the heavier side comment on being insecure about their body. They then said something about how it must be easier to be smaller and have fewer insecurities. Or something along those lines. I don't recall the exact words. All I remember is almost laughing out loud and telling this person that I too, despite being the size and shape that many women want to be, have insecurities. This person was surprised.

    Shortly after deciding to grow out my bangs, I found a new style called "curtain bangs." I have since fallen in love with this style. They are the best of both worlds. They still give me a bang, but they don't hide my forehead.

    I told my therapist about this during my last session and she told me something she learned in art class. That our eyes are the middle of our head and not the top like so many including myself thought. She said that the distance from the top of my head to my eyes was the same as my chin up to my eyes. This was of great encouragement. She also taught me that if I had a shorter forehead then it would mean that my frontal lobe would not be properly developed and I wouldn't be able to process certain things properly. Meaning that it was good that I had a normal forehead. Which was also helpful. She encouraged me through my insecurities and explained that there was nothing to be insecure about.

    Between my loving husband and part of the message this morning in church I have been reminded to look to the Word of God first for answers and not the world around me or the voice in my head. I am to go to the Word of God first and allow His Word to interpret how I view myself vs what the world/my inner critic has told me. God's Word says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14 NIV. God created me beautifully and uniquely and it's my job to accept that. Something I have struggled to believe for a very long time and something I may struggle with from time to time in the future. 

    When I journaled this post a few days ago, this last paragraph was not a part of the original draft, which does happen sometimes. But tonight I was thinking about this post that was nearly ready to be published and looking at it through the lens of the message in church this morning and of the importance of going to God's Word first. I'm sharing all this now to show that I'm not perfect and that I need to practice going to God's Word first more over external sources. Which have their place, but not before the Word of God. Because he is my ultimate source and because of the fall I am a sinful human being.

    Anyway, I pray that this encourages you as you process with God any insecurities you are facing and not to feel bad, silly, etc about the insecurities you are facing. I tend to land in the camp of thinking that my insecurities, especially this one are ridiculous and don't matter in the grand scheme of things. But, if they matter to me, then they matter to God.

God Bless

~Hannah

Its a journey my friend.

February Was a Hard Month.

    February was a hard month. When I started processing this post in my head and heart in the primer booth the other day at work my inner voice told me not to bother and that no one wants to hear about my troubles. For a half second, I thought it was right. Then Holy Spirit reminded me of how the church today expects us to walk into Sunday morning service as if nothing is wrong and to say good morning and put on a happy face. I believe we are trying to break that pattern and today  I decided to "help" in those efforts.

    I'm not here to say "Woe, is me" or anything like that or to say that I have it worse than others. Simply here to vent and process for a few minutes.

    As you know, the month started with hubby's car accident. Obviously, that was a bad day. But we count our blessing with his health intact as we walked away from that accident without a hair on his head out of place. He was cleared by paramedics at the scene. He mentioned some tenderness by his right eye, we figured it was some whiplash, and the pain was gone a day or two later.

    We were blessed with a new vehicle and I am still crying over it whenever I tell someone the full story about how we received it.

    The next few weeks were tough. I'm in extended hours/overtime at work which is helpful for the bank account, but has left me very exhausted, irritable and other such emotions. Of which are unpleasant to feel and live with. I was looking back a week ago and realized that a lot, possibly all the progress that I had been making in therapy had been "undone" so to speak in February because I was simply too tired to give myself grace or remember the things I was learning. I went into autopilot and returned to my old ways, which was not helpful. On the bright side, at least I see what happened and I can move forward and learn from that mistake and try not to repeat it.

    Overtime is still ongoing, but at least I have recognized my exhaustion and such, and am trying to work with it. One more week for sure and then we will see where we are with our progress with our orders.

    The last week of February hubby got a nasty cold/big virus of some sort and he was out for a week. Like I said, it was a rough month and I'm glad it's over.

    We are a week into March now and things are getting better. I'm getting back on track with therapy and working through some problems. Hubby is back to work now and the weather is warming up now. Spring/Second Winter is here so some days I walk Blessing with her boots and coat on and other days we come home and she is covered in dirt and mud. This season I am buying her a slush suit, so no more slush to be wipped off after our walks.

    Thank you for humouring me as I vented about the stress and craziness that was February. I hope that either your month was better and if it wasn't, that you, are reminded that you are not alone in your struggles.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend Friend.

God Bless

~Hannah

He takes my breath away.