Speak Life

    One of my biggest flaws is that a) I'm really hard on myself and b) I speak terribly to and about myself. Which are really one and the same. To put it bluntly, if I said the things I say to others that I say to myself, I would be a very disliked person. I once had a therapist tell me that I was verbally abusing myself. I had never thought about it like that. Why would someone abuse themselves? I wonder how many other people are abusing themselves in different ways without knowing it. Then I told my husband what the therapist said, and he agreed.

    I am very black or white. Yes or no. Everything is good, or everything is bad, kind of person. I am also a pessimist/glass-half-empty person by nature. The way I see it, or more accurately, the lie the enemy has been telling me for years, is that in order to avoid being prideful, you have to be negative and say bad things about yourself. Because if you say anything good about yourself, it's pride.

    I also tend to excuse any bad behavior and say things like, 'Fine, I'm a b**ch. Happy?!' The response I get is, 'No, and you're not. Stop putting words in my mouth.' (I apologize for the language, I'm just trying to be honest) My husband hates it when I call myself names because he knows it's not true, and I'm just putting myself down, and he doesn't want that for me. I'm an extremist. It's either one extreme or the other. I need to be in the middle. But, one step at a time. So, in my head, I want to avoid being prideful and boastful about my skills and accomplishments. Or about my worth. My worth is easily the biggest thing that I struggle with. I know what the word of God says about me, but I struggle to believe it in my heart and soul. So, it means that I have to put myself down and go the opposite direction. If I were in the middle, I wouldn't call myself names, and I would simply know my worth and wouldn’t feel the need to defend myself or put myself down. I worry about talking about my blog and that someone might think that I am being prideful. When in reality, I’m mentioning it because I think that they might be blessed by it. Again, that is likely the enemy because he doesn’t want us to grow in our faith, and part of why I share my blog is for people to grow in their faith.

    I talk about my sewing because I am proud of it, but I'm not boasting about it. If anything, I will mention a project that I'm sewing and how it's challenging me. Or I'm using someone as a sounding board to figure out how to fix a problem with the project.

    What I need to do and desperately need God's help with is learning to be in the middle between pride and humility. And start accepting that I may not be perfect, because only Jesus is perfect, but with the help of the Holy Spirit, I am pretty awesome. And God loves me.

    Because it's not wrong to talk about your favourite hobby or project. Or something that you are proud of yourself for. Or that through Jesus Christ, you have value. But it's wrong to shove it into people's faces. It's not wrong to tell yourself that you did a good job on something. But it is wrong to say that you are the best at everything. I think it's also equally wrong to say that you are terrible and have no value. Because when you say that, you are making a liar out of God, and He doesn’t lie. Now, if only I could practice that myself. Something I need to work on. Maybe I’ll make it one of my New Year's Resolutions 😉 As cliché as it sounds, I should add that to my list of goals for 2026. I also need to practice congratulating myself and not waiting for someone to validate what I have accomplished. I rely far too much on other people's opinions of me and neglect my own opinions of myself. I also wonder if working on my negative self-talk will also help with my self-esteem issues. Until now, I've never thought about how the two are connected. I have been so awful to myself for so many years. It's honestly bringing tears to my eyes typing this.

    It's time to start speaking life over myself. For many of us, we all have certain times of the day, week, month, etc, when our defenses are down, and the enemy can attack us and have a pretty good shot of getting to us. Personally, it's when I'm tired or stressed. That's when I start overreacting and calling myself names and start fights with hubby. But, that's not a good enough excuse. Being stressed and tired is not a good reason to freak out or start calling myself names. I need to practice taking a step back, take a deep breath and figure out what is stressing me out. Easier said than done, though.

    It's been kind of hard though. It's not just a matter of not calling myself names. It's also about not listening to the voice of the enemy and basically rewriting my brain. Which is especially difficult. I have noticed this past week, though, that when I start calling myself names, I'm doing it more out of habit than anything. Hence, the rewriting /rewiring of my brain part. But I guess it's a start. I am also a firm believer that progress is not linear. Hard pill to swallow when you are the one working towards progress, though. But it's the truth. Progress is not a straight line.
    

    So one day, and one step at a time and a whole lot of help from the Holy Spirit. And maybe one day I’ll be able to speak life over myself. Also, that my worth is not tied to my work. You and I both have value because of what Jesus Christ did on the cross for us, friend.

    

    I pray this post blesses and encourages you during this Christmas season. This post marks 150 posts on my blog since I first started it in 2017. I passively wrote it for a few years, and then started writing more as I started growing more in my faith and relationship with God. In a perfect world, I would love to post once a week. But we don’t live in a perfect world. But I am excited that today marks 150 posts. A nice round number to end the year.

So, if no one else has said it to you yet. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

God Bless

~Hannah

Modesty 2.0

    About a month ago, my hubby and I were discussing skirt styles and which were more feminine. I then went to a coworker and asked her for her opinion. I didn’t tell her what my hubby thought, just what I thought. I was curious for another perspective. Turns out we all had the same opinion. The most feminine skirt style is a circular skirt with lots of body to twirl around in. Then my coworker and I discussed what length was more feminine and came to agree that right below the knee was the most feminine. Meaning that the 1950s style circle skirt was the most feminine.

    After work, I asked hubby what length he thought was the most feminine, and his answer surprised me. He said below the knee. Until that day, I always thought he liked above the knee, which he did. He talked about the importance of a modest hem length and that his convictions had changed. I was surprised and encouraged. We have always shared the same belief about what a minimal modest hem length was, and now he felt that it needed to be longer. I then spent the evening thinking about what a modest/minimum hem length was. The next morning, I spent time praying and thinking more. I texted hubby later that day, saying that I would no longer wear the shorter length.

    While I was thinking about my shorter skirts, I realized that I'm really not that comfortable wearing them. I'm always afraid that the wind will blow the back up or gravity will stop working or something. Even though I wear shorts under all my dresses and skirts, I'm always worried about the shorter ones. As you might imagine, with my longer ones, I never have a care in the world about them. I simply wear them.

      A few months ago, I wrote about being attached by the enemy in regards to my hem length and felt that he was saying that I had the wear longer skirts and dresses, and I rebuked him with my freedom in Christ. I felt that the enemy was attacking me with legalism. I look back now and wonder if both those times were the Holy Spirit gently convicting and nudging me towards a longer hem length. Guess I should have prayed about that. Oh well, lesson learned. While I was thinking about how I'm not at ease when I wear short skirts, I admitted to myself that if I were to bend over, you could likely see more than you should. That being said, I am very careful in the ways that I move my body, and I hardly ever bend at the waist when out in public or at work. And I am always wearing shorts under my skirts and dresses. As believers, we have a few different ways to check that our clothing is modest and covers us properly. We call it the ' Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!' test. Can you raise your hands to the sky without showing your stomach or back? Can you bend over without showing your butt? Can you sit down without your hem going way up your thigh? Well, I've come to terms with the fact that the shorter skirts that I have been wearing my whole life are not as modest as I had thought or, better yet, lied to myself about.

    I'm still coming to terms with it all. And I've got a big job ahead. I need to go through my shorter skirts and decide which ones I can add fabric to and still look good, and which ones to get rid of. I have one red high-waisted skirt that I made when I got back into sewing and transitioned to skirts/dresses and left pants behind. I have more of the red fabric and will add some length, turning the skirt into either a mid-length or a maxi. I have yet to decide which length to go with. I also have two other high-waisted skirts, a pink one and a purple one, that I will combine, making them into a striped below-the-knee or possibly a mid length. We shall see how that one goes.

    This whole situation has caused me a fair bit of stress. A) because of the big change to redo my closet and have to walk away from some skirts that I really liked but are no longer as modest as I once thought. I think I am feeling a little restricted in what I can and cannot wear, and it's stressing me out a little. Of course, once I get rid of those options in my closet, I will no longer feel restricted because they won’t be there in the first place. Yes, I went through a change when I left pants behind and went to skirts and dresses. Looking back, though, it didn’t feel that big. It felt natural. This time it feels big. Which I suspect is part of the stress. And B) I’m worried about offending people with my new convictions. But I know where I stand and what my new convictions are, and am preparing to explain myself when the need arises. In reality, no one will be offended. If anything, they may be impressed or encouraged to see God working in my heart. I’m just overthinking it like I often do. I think I also need to give myself space to digest this change and acknowledge that it is a big change. Because it is a big change, not just logistically, but also emotionally and spiritually. Funny, I feel better already by just typing those last few sentences. I feel like I’m in therapy right now in the best way possible. Thank you, Holy Spirit. Sometimes I brush off the emotional/spiritual aspects of physical changes because I forget that they are there.

    For now, my work skirts will remain the same because that feels like a really big job to deal with that portion of my closet as well, and conveniently, I wear a paint suit at work on the days we paint. I love those suits because they leave so much to the imagination. So, for now, I will focus on my personal life, skirts, and dresses, and go from there.

    It's funny, last week I tried on a red high-waisted skirt that I made a few years ago, which is above the knee. I looked in the mirror and thought, “Nope, no longer comfortable in this length.” And that, my friend, is the power of The Holy Spirit, convicting and gently leading me closer to Him, and for that, I am thankful. I’m also noticing that I don’t like the look of shorter hem lengths on other women either. Last week at church, there was a lady wearing a pretty blue dress that fell just above her knee. She was also wearing tights and high boots. A pretty outfit by all means. But in my spirit, it no longer felt modest. I didn’t say anything to her, nor will I. I was simply noticing the change in my own convictions and am pleased with them. That being said, I am not here to condemn anyone. Simply sharing what God is doing in my heart. If God does use this post to challenge and convict you on your hem length, so be it. But that is not my intent.

    Well, if you are still reading this, thank you for sticking it out with me to the end. I just looked at the word count, and this is one of my longest posts, if not my longest. Which is pretty cool. I pray that this encourages and challenges you in whatever way you need, friend. The world says to flaunt what you got, and the more you show, the more confident you are. But God says to dress modestly and cover up properly. Leave plenty to the imagination, and the rest to your husband. Who, by the way, will feel blessed and honoured by your modesty. I know mine is.

God Bless

~Hannah