One of my biggest flaws is that a) I'm really hard on myself and b) I speak terribly to and about myself. Which are really one and the same. To put it bluntly, if I said the things I say to others that I say to myself, I would be a very disliked person. I once had a therapist tell me that I was verbally abusing myself. I had never thought about it like that. Why would someone abuse themselves? I wonder how many other people are abusing themselves in different ways without knowing it. Then I told my husband what the therapist said, and he agreed.
I am very black or white. Yes or no. Everything is good, or everything is bad, kind of person. I am also a pessimist/glass-half-empty person by nature. The way I see it, or more accurately, the lie the enemy has been telling me for years, is that in order to avoid being prideful, you have to be negative and say bad things about yourself. Because if you say anything good about yourself, it's pride.
I also tend to excuse any bad behavior and say things like, 'Fine, I'm a b**ch. Happy?!' The response I get is, 'No, and you're not. Stop putting words in my mouth.' (I apologize for the language, I'm just trying to be honest) My husband hates it when I call myself names because he knows it's not true, and I'm just putting myself down, and he doesn't want that for me. I'm an extremist. It's either one extreme or the other. I need to be in the middle. But, one step at a time. So, in my head, I want to avoid being prideful and boastful about my skills and accomplishments. Or about my worth. My worth is easily the biggest thing that I struggle with. I know what the word of God says about me, but I struggle to believe it in my heart and soul. So, it means that I have to put myself down and go the opposite direction. If I were in the middle, I wouldn't call myself names, and I would simply know my worth and wouldn’t feel the need to defend myself or put myself down. I worry about talking about my blog and that someone might think that I am being prideful. When in reality, I’m mentioning it because I think that they might be blessed by it. Again, that is likely the enemy because he doesn’t want us to grow in our faith, and part of why I share my blog is for people to grow in their faith.
What I need to do and desperately need God's help with is learning to be in the middle between pride and humility. And start accepting that I may not be perfect, because only Jesus is perfect, but with the help of the Holy Spirit, I am pretty awesome. And God loves me.
Because it's not wrong to talk about your favourite hobby or project. Or something that you are proud of yourself for. Or that through Jesus Christ, you have value. But it's wrong to shove it into people's faces. It's not wrong to tell yourself that you did a good job on something. But it is wrong to say that you are the best at everything. I think it's also equally wrong to say that you are terrible and have no value. Because when you say that, you are making a liar out of God, and He doesn’t lie. Now, if only I could practice that myself. Something I need to work on. Maybe I’ll make it one of my New Year's Resolutions 😉 As cliché as it sounds, I should add that to my list of goals for 2026. I also need to practice congratulating myself and not waiting for someone to validate what I have accomplished. I rely far too much on other people's opinions of me and neglect my own opinions of myself. I also wonder if working on my negative self-talk will also help with my self-esteem issues. Until now, I've never thought about how the two are connected. I have been so awful to myself for so many years. It's honestly bringing tears to my eyes typing this.
It's time to start speaking life over myself. For many of us, we all have certain times of the day, week, month, etc, when our defenses are down, and the enemy can attack us and have a pretty good shot of getting to us. Personally, it's when I'm tired or stressed. That's when I start overreacting and calling myself names and start fights with hubby. But, that's not a good enough excuse. Being stressed and tired is not a good reason to freak out or start calling myself names. I need to practice taking a step back, take a deep breath and figure out what is stressing me out. Easier said than done, though.
It's been kind of hard though. It's not just a matter of not calling myself names. It's also about not listening to the voice of the enemy and basically rewriting my brain. Which is especially difficult. I have noticed this past week, though, that when I start calling myself names, I'm doing it more out of habit than anything. Hence, the rewriting /rewiring of my brain part. But I guess it's a start. I am also a firm believer that progress is not linear. Hard pill to swallow when you are the one working towards progress, though. But it's the truth. Progress is not a straight line.
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