February Was a Hard Month.

    February was a hard month. When I started processing this post in my head and heart in the primer booth the other day at work my inner voice told me not to bother and that no one wants to hear about my troubles. For a half second, I thought it was right. Then Holy Spirit reminded me of how the church today expects us to walk into Sunday morning service as if nothing is wrong and to say good morning and put on a happy face. I believe we are trying to break that pattern and today  I decided to "help" in those efforts.

    I'm not here to say "Woe, is me" or anything like that or to say that I have it worse than others. Simply here to vent and process for a few minutes.

    As you know, the month started with hubby's car accident. Obviously, that was a bad day. But we count our blessing with his health intact as we walked away from that accident without a hair on his head out of place. He was cleared by paramedics at the scene. He mentioned some tenderness by his right eye, we figured it was some whiplash, and the pain was gone a day or two later.

    We were blessed with a new vehicle and I am still crying over it whenever I tell someone the full story about how we received it.

    The next few weeks were tough. I'm in extended hours/overtime at work which is helpful for the bank account, but has left me very exhausted, irritable and other such emotions. Of which are unpleasant to feel and live with. I was looking back a week ago and realized that a lot, possibly all the progress that I had been making in therapy had been "undone" so to speak in February because I was simply too tired to give myself grace or remember the things I was learning. I went into autopilot and returned to my old ways, which was not helpful. On the bright side, at least I see what happened and I can move forward and learn from that mistake and try not to repeat it.

    Overtime is still ongoing, but at least I have recognized my exhaustion and such, and am trying to work with it. One more week for sure and then we will see where we are with our progress with our orders.

    The last week of February hubby got a nasty cold/big virus of some sort and he was out for a week. Like I said, it was a rough month and I'm glad it's over.

    We are a week into March now and things are getting better. I'm getting back on track with therapy and working through some problems. Hubby is back to work now and the weather is warming up now. Spring/Second Winter is here so some days I walk Blessing with her boots and coat on and other days we come home and she is covered in dirt and mud. This season I am buying her a slush suit, so no more slush to be wipped off after our walks.

    Thank you for humouring me as I vented about the stress and craziness that was February. I hope that either your month was better and if it wasn't, that you, are reminded that you are not alone in your struggles.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend Friend.

God Bless

~Hannah

He takes my breath away.

Our New Vehicle

    So, my hubby recently had a car accident, and in the process, our car was totalled. Hubby walked away without a hair on his head out of place. Praise the Lord. After the initial shock of it all, we then started discussing our next vehicle with my father-in-law, who is our mechanic and used car dealership. The night of the accident he didn't think there was anything currently available in the shop parking lot. So we figured we might be waiting a bit before we had a new one. The next day he texted us pictures of an SUV that was in fact, sitting in the shop parking lot. Hubby had decided after his accident that he wanted us in an SUV next. We looked at the pictures and agreed that we both liked it.

    Later that day we found out that the SUV belonged to a family friend/mechanic at the shop. So one of hubby's coworkers. It belonged to his coworker's mother who recently gave up her license and vehicle.

    Hubby and I spent the rest of that weekend wondering how much money they would want for it. Hubby returned to work on Monday and was given the asking price. It was at the low end of what we thought they would ask.

    Before the accident, we intended to use our income tax return to finish paying off our debt. On the night of the accident, we knew that was no longer an option. That money would have to go to a new vehicle and that was fine. Life happens.

    Hubby's coworker tells his mother about the offer on her vehicle and who it was from. She told him to give us the vehicle. After work that evening hubby told me the good news and I'm still crying tears of joy and gratitude for this beautiful blessing. The next day hubby and I were at the shop after working talking to his coworker. We wanted to get his mom a gift card and thank you card for her generosity. He gave us advice on what to get her. I also asked him how long it had been since she gave up her license and vehicle. Two weeks. It had only been two weeks since the SUV had been sitting in the shop parking lot waiting for its new family. He said that he was planning on putting it on Kijiji but hadn't gotten around to it yet. Hubby said that he put it on "Jesus Kijiji."

    God in His soverign will knew we were going to need a new vehicle and brought us to it at just the right time. He is so good and we are so grateful. God provides my friend.

    It's now been three weeks since the accident and two weeks of ownership of our new vehicle and I'm still crying tears of gratitude every time I think about this beautiful blessing and gift.

    This afternoon, Blessing and I walked over our thank you gift to his coworker's mother. I told her who I was, that it was a huge blessing and how thankful we are for it. She said that it was an older vehicle so she didn't think it was worth much so giving it away to someone who could use it was the best option. When I lifted up the gift bag and said we wanted to give her a gift to say thank you she said that I didn't need to do that and that I was going to make her cry. I too started to cry. She thanked me and we parted ways and I shed a few more tears as Blessing and I continued our walk. I spent the rest of our walk thinking about our encounter. The principle of one man's trash is another man's treasure came to mind. Not that she thought the SUV was trash, but simply no longer useful to her and yet a huge blessing to hubby and me.

    But, God is not good just because He provided us with a new vehicle. He is good period. In His goodness, He blessed us with a new vehicle. When hubby told me that we were being given this vehicle, through my tears I said that I was raised to believe and still do that when you honor God with your life He honors you back. No, I'm not perfect by any means. I'm working through lots of stuff with my therapist right now, but I'm better then I was and by God's grace, I will continue to grow closer to God and closer to the woman that He created me to be.

    I pray that this post blesses and encourages you today friend and reminds you that God is good, faithful and always provides.

God Bless

~Hannah

God's handwork in Orillia two years ago during our anniversary trip.

Take Nothing For Granted

    Two weeks ago Friday, hubby got into a car crash. He hit black ice, lost control, and the next thing he knew, the car was upside down in the ditch. He prayed, and God got him out of the vehicle without a hair on his head out of place. Praise the Lord. Our car on the other hand was totalled.

    After it was all said and done he got a ride home with a police officer and told me all about it. We then called his dad who picked us up and brought us to the shop where our car was also headed via a tow truck. We sat in the show kitchen and discussed our next steps. We would start looking for a new vehicle and in the meantime, we were simply grateful that hubby was, and is alive. Not only alive but not in the hospital with broken bones or anything either.

    I said to hubby that at least we live in Wallaceburg near our mechanic who is also a used car dealership and we both work locally so our commute to work would be easy to navigate as well. Hubby rode in with his dad and then another coworker until we got a vehicle. I texted one of my best friends who I work with and live within walking distance from her apartment. She was happy to drive me to work as well. We put all other extracurricular activities on hold while we navigated our situation. In the past, we have borrowed a vehicle from his dad but the one we usually borrow is not good in the snow and in my spirit, I didn't really want to ask or borrow. Looking back, I think God was gearing us up to teach us about not taking our vehicle or any other available vehicle for granted.

    The things that needed to be done were not hard but it was an emotionally stressful and exhausting week nonetheless. Before long we were feeling a strong case of cabin fever due to not having our own set of wheels, but grateful to those helping us out.

    Hand-in-hand we navigated our situation and found another vehicle. The story behind that new vehicle deserves a post of its own and I'm still crying over it. As I said, it wasn't long before we started feeling the stress of not being able to leave our apartment without the help of someone else driving us. Long story short, we quickly learned how much we had taken our car for granted and how truly thankful for coworkers who not only got us to work and back but also took me out and helped me get our weekly grocery haul. The simple act of driving me to and from Walmart so that I could feed my family meant the world to hubby and me. You know who you are. I love you and hubby and I appreciate you so much.

    After I realized how much we took our car for granted I started thinking about all the other things we take for granted and now I'm reminding myself to be more thankful. Are there things in your life that you are taking for granted and now need a loving reminder to be thankful for? Well, here it is, along with a dose of God's grace to help you along your day.

    Enjoy thing snowy weather we are having on this Family Day long weekend. Hubby and I are enjoying a quiet weekend after the craziness of the last few weeks.

God Bless

~Hannah

I love winter and Blessing and I enjoyed a long walk in the snow today, but the best photography happens in the Fall.

Gentle and Quiet Spirit

    A few months ago my husband and I were talking about what it means to be a woman of God, of which I desire to be. He brought up 1 Peter 3:4 "Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

    I have been struggling with this verse because I am not a quiet and gentle person. I tend to be loud and in your face. I am also a black-and-white person. There are no grey areas in my life or my thought process. At first, I practiced this new characteristic by simply not talking unless spoken to. This upset and freaked out my husband because whenever I am stone quiet it means I'm mad and have gone into robot mode. Then I would lash out and say that it was all his idea that I started practicing this characteristic.  He responded that it was God's idea and not his. Of which he is right, I was just mad and lashed out. I spent a few weeks wrestling with the verse but didn't know what to do with it. I talked to my therapist about it and she said to replace the word quiet with "at peace." I looked the verse up in other translations to see if anyone else used a different word. They all used the same "gentle and quiet" but the principle that it could also mean "at peace" resonated with me. I have no desire to rewrite the Bible, but looking at this verse from this new angle was very helpful.

    You see, it's not that I'm a loud and in-your-face kind of person. It's that I'm defensive and on guard. But when I focus on God, His peace and give myself grace I am more at peace and less defensive and therefore more quiet and gentle. It's also about knowing, remembering and walking out my identity in Christ. And when I focus on those things, I am able to naturally practice having a quiet and gentle spirit. It's oddly relaxing when you can properly practice being quiet and gentle.

    The next two weeks were wonderful. I was at peace and didn't overact and freak out about anything. The last few days have been less than stellar though but I've realized that it was because I was tired from overtime at work. I'm not excusing it, simply understanding why I'm freaking out and trying to work with myself to not.

    In regards to the "quiet" reference of the verse, I don't think it means that we must be silent and only speak when spoken to. I'm coming to terms with it simply meaning that there is a time to talk and a time to listen and/or hold your tongue. It's still a work in progress but at least there is progress.

    I didn't overreact/ freak out for those two weeks because I gave myself grace and space to be tired from work with our overtime season. Except I didn't even realize I was doing it until I stopped. For the next few weeks or so we have extended our hours at work, meaning longer days and a Saturday shift. I did one Saturday because I'm a people pleaser, and I could use a few extra bucks, but not this Saturday (now yesterday). In fact, I'm done with Saturday shifts. Anyway for the first week of overtime which was two weeks ago now, I would get into the car when hubby picked me up and he would ask how I was, like every other day. I would respond with "tired." He would then lovingly ask why and I would say because I just worked 9 hours vs my regular 8. And then he would say "Fair enough." It's funny, you don't feel that extra hour at work, but as soon as you get home, you do. Or at least I do. Anyway, I was unknowingly giving myself grace and understanding for being tired and the other negative side effects of overtime.

    The Saturday I worked last weekend I went into work just fine and came out the same. I spent Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon asleep. I looked at hubby Sunday night and said that was it. No more overtime on Saturdays. I was worn out and didn't get to enjoy any time with my family. Then I started excitedly planning the next weekend (this one). But in the planning for this next weekend and still exhausted from Saturday, I forgot to give myself grace for the week and then overreacted/freaked out several times and unloaded on my undeserving husband several times.

    Over the last week of work and a few weeks of life, I'm coming to the realization I need to give myself grace every day, especially on the days when I cannot measure up to what I think I should be able to do and focus on God and what He says about me in His Word.

I pray this post blesses, encourages, and if needed, challenges you in your walk with Christ.

God Bless

~Hannah

Learning to Sacrifice

    Last week my husband called me out on not prioritizing him properly and putting my hobbies ahead of him. Not in a selfish way by any means. He was calling my priorities into question and realignment, of which he was right. I apologized and said  I would work on it.

    Later that day he said he wanted to watch a bunch of Christmas movies before Christmas. We sat down and made a list. I counted the number of movies and compared it to the number of days left until Christmas. We could watch them all in time with two or maybe three grace days.

    The next day at work I'm thinking about it and thinking about how over the next two weeks I wouldn't have any time to myself. Our afternoons and evenings would consist of walking Blessing, shower, supper, Christmas movie and then bed. With no personal time. I'm not sure if my next thought was mine or Holy Spirit, but I don't remember and I don't wish to sound more spiritual than I am. Anyway, my next thought was that by laying down my own desires and such for the next two weeks and watching movies with hubby, this would be a great way to practice sacrificing my wants and putting hubby first. He won't always come first, of course, sometimes I will come first because that's how love and marriage work. Love is an action and sometimes that action is sacrifice. 

    That Monday evening he asked me to watch a Christmas movie I sighed. He momentarily got upset and then I explained what happened in the primer booth earlier that day. I told him how I was going to practice sacrificing my time for him. He was appreciative and excited to start watching Christmas movies. I also told him I had a plan to make him sugar cookies. I tried last year and it failed. This year I had a better plan. The first recipe flunked, the instructions were not written well and therefore confusing and then leading me to fail. I found a second recipe, with the same ingredients but better instructions that worked. A few days later I tried to make icing but we didn't like the flavour of it. Hubby saw how much work I was putting into that endeavour and told me to stop and try again next year. I was grateful and relieved. He felt loved and blessed and I now have a better plan for next year.

    Anyways, back to the movies. The first few days of movies went very well. Hubby was feeling loved and prioritized. On Wednesday, he asked me to go on a dinner date with him. He said we hadn't been out for a nice dinner in a while. He wanted me to get dressed up so that he could take me out for dinner. Music to my ears. On Saturday night we got dressed up and went for dinner.

    The next week started to feel hard. I started to get tired and wanted some downtime. I was then reminded that sacrifice isn't easy, if it was, it wouldn't be called sacrifice. I told hubby I was struggling but pushing through and processing in my journal also helped. One night during the second week we picked a shorter movie, which allowed for some downtime afterwards and helped me to feel refreshed. I knew that it would all be worth it in the end, and it was. Hubby felt loved and prioritized and I had practiced sacrificing my me time.

    Again, this was all back in December and now we are in mid-January. Looking back, I barely remember the sacrifice. I do remember feeling satisfied checking off the last movie on our list a few days before Christmas and getting to love on my hubby.

    So, do you need to practice sacrificing something in your life in order to love on someone in your life? It's not easy, but its worth it.

    I pray this blesses and encourages you today, friend.

God Bless

~Hannah

Teaching Someone to Prime

    It has been a rather eventful week and a half at work. I have been the main primer at work for about six months now, and before that, I was the secondary/backup primer for about six months as well. A few months ago, it dawned on me that the next time we hire a new painter or primer, I will be the one training them in primer.

    Primer itself is not a hard job. Its a skill set to be learned for sure, but not actually hard. At times stressful, but that's because I'm a worry wort with anxiety and constantly question myself. Anyway, I have also trained lots of people over the years at different jobs and it all went fine. I'm a good teacher. I even taught a coworker how to drive and she passed her G1 exit test and received her G2. So I have the ability to teach. A week and a half ago I quickly learned that teaching primer would be a whole other ball game. It's an epic balancing game. You want the parts to turn out good with no runs or light spots, which of course a trainee is likely going to do both because they are new and likely have no idea what they are doing. You are also against the clock. Aka, the line moving parts in and out of the booth. Plus my booth is eight feet wide. So not much room for teaching or personal space.

    One way to describe it is the ultimate test of giving up control. Of which I am in therapy. I have learned that control issues are simply surface level issue with lots of other underlying issues. In my case trust issues and fear. In regards to primer, I don't trust that the trainee will do a good job. I know that they will do their best, but until they know what they are doing their best likely won't be very good. Which of course is not their fault. When you are brand new you tend to suck. I'm also afraid that the parts won't turn out well and because I'm the trainer and "in control" of the situation, the bad parts will be on me. Which is true in a sense. 

    A coworker then reminded me that all we can do is direct traffic and hope for the best. The key to training is balancing which parts the trainee can handle and which they cannot. You want to put them on the easier ones first and then gradually move them to the harder ones. You want them to get lots of practice because how else will they learn? But if the parts aren't turning out good you want to take over and have the trainee watch you prime for a while, but you don't want them to feel bad or at least I don't. I also don't take criticism well so I don't want to give it out to someone I don't know. I also know that perception is huge and even if I say a part turned out good vs great the trainee might misinterpret it and think that you think that they suck, more than what is expected as a new person. I had one trainee, and while I was fiddling with my respirator my safety glasses started falling off. I took them off and tossed them on my stool in the booth because the part was about to exit the booth and it needed fixing. The poor trainee thought I was frustrated with him because I tossed my glasses. I wasn't and explained myself later. It's also hard to communicate in the booth because it's loud and you are wearing a respirator.

    Long story short, I had to learn how to train someone while training them. It was quite the experience. A few days later that trainee was ready to move onto the next stage and I received my next trainee. The second round was much easier because I know what I was doing.

    Its been a month now, this all happened at the beginning of December, but I haven't had time to type up any journal posts. I shared the stress and struggle with my therapist about this experience and she encouraged me that if they didn't trust me with the task they wouldn't have given me people to train. Encouraging me that I'm good at my job and good at training. Just what I needed to hear. So, if you are facing a stressful or challenging situation at work, remember that there is a good chance that your boss put you in that situation because they believe you can handle it. And now all you have to do is believe that you can handle it. Easier said than done, I know.

Have a blessed week friends and a happy new year.

~Hannah

Missing the snow.

The Best Christmas Pageant Ever

    It is a children's Christmas story by Barbara Robinson. It's told from the perspective of a little girl whose mother volunteers to direct the play after the usual director has an accident and breaks both of her legs. And the lead rules, Mary, Joseph, the wise men and the angel of the Lord are all played by six brothers and sisters who are the meanest kids in school and the town in general.

    It's a story that my mother read to my brothers, sister and I for the entirety of our childhood. Every night before bed we excitedly sat in the living room with the Christmas tree lights on while listening to mom read a chapter a night. It is one of the many traditions mom incorporated into our childhood.

    This year, Dallace Jenkins who also produced "The Chosen" made this book into a movie. He brought the book to life. I went into the theatre excited to see my childhood memories brought to life and left balling my eyes out with tears of joy.

    About halfway through the movie I started crying and didn't stop until after leaving the theatre. I was transformed back into my childhood home listening to Mom read the book all while watching it come to life on the big screen. While I was crying during a scene that wouldn't evoke tears for the average viewer, hubby looked over and asked if I was okay. With tears flowing from my eyes, I smiled and said, "Yes. Just fine." A little concerned about my makeup running, but otherwise I was fine.

    It was such a blessing to watch this book brought to life. Mr. Jenkins followed the book to a "T" and then added a little extra to the end, wrapping it up beautifully.

    My hubby, who has never read the book and therefore doesn't have the emotional connection to it that I do, had a different perspective on it. He shared how he liked that the mom who directed the play showed kindness to those who are mean and hurtful to others and demonstrated God's love. It was an angle I hadn't thought about before and was blessed by his perspective. He shared that he hoped that some unbelievers saw it and saw the love of Christ through it.

    I haven't read the book since leaving my childhood home 12 years ago. I decided it was a tradition I wanted to bring back and bring into my home. Mom blessed me with a copy of the book. And now to decide which week in December  I want to read it. Part of me wants the week right before Christmas and the overthinker in me wonders if I will have enough time and energy evey night that week to do so. Yes, I know I'm overcomplicating it.

    Anyways, to those who were blessed to grow up with the herdmans, go watch it, and if you are a cryer like me, bring tissues and wear waterproof mascara. To those who don't know the story by heart, go watch it and be blessed by a wonderful and unique retelling of the story of Jesus's birth.

    Mr. Jenkins, thank you for faithfully following the book and bringing this story to the big screen. Not all producers follow the book when making a movie, but you did. So thank you.

    Mom, thank you for creating such a simple yet special tradition for us and all the other Christmas traditions you raised us with.

    Seeing the movie and it being done properly blessed me more than I had expected. I knew right away that I wanted to journal my thoughts and process the movie through my blog. It took several days for me to be able to sit down and simply write without balling my eyes out with tears of joy. The tears were a blessing, but it's hard to see what you are writing through blurred vision. And even now, as I'm finishing typing up my thoughts three weeks after watching the movie, I'm tearing up all over again. 

Go read the book and watch the movie.

Be Blessed friend.

Merry Christmas

~Hannah