No Man's Land

    Hubby and I just entered a season of unknowns. Our plans just got flipped upside down, but it's okay. We are praying and waiting for answers.

    So last year hubby felt God call him back to school. He already knew he wanted to go for video game design. So he looked up some schools and found Brock University. We scheduled a tour with them and then with Niagara College because the theory is done at Brock and the practical is at Niagara. After each visit, we got into our car and hubby told me he had dreamed about these places years ago. We took that as a sign that we were on the right track. Hubby started looking into the application process and discovered that they wanted him to have his grade 12 university-level English. He has college-level English. So he looked into upgrading. The company he picked required him to do grade 11 English as well. So he signed up and started the grade 11 course. He worked hard, God blessed him and it went well. Then he signed up for the grade 12 course. It didn't go very well. But he was doing his absolute best. His teacher was critical and a hard marker. Even when hubby made the changes the teacher suggested it still wasn't good enough for the teacher. He also discovered that other people had issues with this teacher in the past.

    We were praying and asking for help with this course. Just like we had from the beginning of the grade 11 course. But, it kept getting worse and the deadline to finish the course was approaching. Hubby was fighting hard to complete the work but was still struggling to make progress. Every spare minute he had, including weekends, he was putting into the course. We were praying together and separately.

    Finally one morning I was setting up my primer booth and fiercely praying and asking God for guidance, strength and help. I think I said, "You told him to do this." God then answered, and said, "Did I tell you to do that?" (This is the same line God used to tell hubby something else a few weeks prior, so it was now familiar to us) My next thought was "Oh, no you don't." I'm not a fan of God giving me messages for hubby. I get worried that I may have heard wrong and don't want to give him the wrong message by accident. We have since come to love when God gives me a message for him. So when hubby picked me up from work, I told him I thought God had told me. To quit the English course. He is momentarily relieved and then skeptical. He didn't expect that God would give him the answer he wanted. We spend the evening excited and skeptical. The next morning after I read my Bible I started praying again over our situation. I heard God say "I already to you." This is something He has told me in the past when I have wanted Him to reconfirm something. I shared this new information while we ate breakfast and determined that hubby would cancel his English course that morning. This meant that hubby would not be applying to Brock and we would no longer be moving. Or at least not yet.

    We have no idea what God's plan for our life is in this next season. We are doing our best to take it one day at a time and are earnestly seeking God and His will. This is funny because that is exactly what believers are called to do in the first place. Believers are called to live one day at a time and earnestly seek God and His will for our lives.

    Hubby is working hard at fasting and losing weight for his health and for surfing and I'm digging more into my hobbies. I wasn't very active in them for a bit but now I am. Life is good. Yes, we have no idea what is next, but we are doing well. The first few days felt rocky and unsure, but we are settling into this season and still pressing into God and asking Him for direction.

    God used this experience to convict and help me change the way I pray over hubby. At first, I was praying with him over the course simply to make it go away. Then the weekend before God gave us our answer, God told me I wasn't praying for hubby with the right heart motion. I was praying to make the problem go away, not out of compassion. Now I pray out of compassion. Or at least more so than before. 

    Needless to say, it's been an interesting few weeks. We went from struggling to complete the course and get the grade that Brock required of him to cancelling the course, taking a step back and saying, "Okay, now what?

    The moral of the story, seek God in all that you do. Seek Him in every step you take. Even if you believe the steps you are taking are from Him. Seek Him always.

I pray this blesses, encourages, and challenges, etc, you today friend.

God Bless

~Hannah

Michell's Bay

Overcoming My Anorexic Mindset.

    I share this in order to encourage you that you are not alone. I have been battling an anorexic mindset for years. It started out slow and then grew and developed as the years went on. I also spent years denying that I had a problem. Partly because I confused symptoms of anorexia with other eating disorders. The symptom I was confusing was the one where you look in the mirror and think you are fat when you are not. I thought it was a symptom of anorexia, and because I don't struggle with that issue, I figured I didn't have anorexia. Add in a healthy dose of self-worth and self-esteem issues, and you get an unhealthy relationship with food and your body.

    It started in my late teens. I had the idea that if I didn't need the energy to complete a task or go out, I wouldn't bother eating. On the weekend, that is. During the week, I ate every meal.  Like most teenagers, I slept in on the weekend, and then by the time I was hungry, it would be lunchtime. As a child, I had hypoglycemia, so my mindset around that was 'eat to avoid fainting,' which is also the wrong mindset. We should eat because we are hungry and we enjoy food. Not simply to avoid fainting or any other health problem.

    As an adult, I have struggled with the mindset of needing to earn/deserve food. This is where the anorexic mindset really kicked in. Feeling like you have to earn your dinner or snack is really messed up.

    Finally, after spending years in denial, I googled the symptoms of anorexia and realized I do struggle with it. I then confessed to my hubby, who, of course, had known for years and had been trying to convince me of it. I didn't take it seriously until I told my therapist about it. As we started our session that day, she asked how I was doing, and I told her that hubby and I had a discussion about my anorexic mindset. I think I accidentally shocked her. She told me that it is a very serious mental health problem. She also told me that out of all the mental health problems, it leads to the most deaths. I had no idea. After that session, I started taking it much more seriously.

    One of my thoughts about food is that if I'm exhausted after work, then I don't want to eat because I don't have the energy. I do suffer the next day though. If I skip supper I'm very hungry before lunch the next day. Even with eating breakfast and snack. I also struggle with the idea that food is for nourishment and not pleasure. Its both.

    I started to get some good breakthroughs when I discovered that food gives you energy. I thought it was simply to satisfy a grumbling tummy. One night, after a particularly exhausting day at work, I had no energy. I ended up taking an afternoon nap. When I woke up, I made hubby some sausages in the air fryer for supper. Then I lay back down. I was so exhausted. I wanted more sleep and had no desire to make myself a sausage. But I couldn't go back to sleep. I was feeling over-tired and disoriented. I decided to make myself a sausage as well and see how I felt after. I was amazed that the sausage revived me, and all of a sudden, I was awake. That night ended up being a huge turning point for me. My perspective towards food started to change for the better.

    I started to adjust my diet. I like to eat healthy, and I thought I was doing fine. Of course, hubby and therapist knew better. I eat garden salads, fruit, chocolate and whatever I make for supper. I wasn't getting any protein and minimal carbs at lunch and needed to add some. I didn't think I needed any because my garden salad was filling me up. Or so I thought. I would have chicken strips on the side of my salad from time to time. Then I decided to add a piece of flatbread and make the whole thing into a wrap. So far, so good. I have put on a few healthy pounds that I needed.

    I still have my bad days. When I am hungry but don't want to eat. But they are fewer and further apart then before. Those are the days where my mindset is focused on deserving food verses simply needing it for both hunger and nourishment.

    If you struggle with anorexia or something similar, I pray this encourages you and that you get the help you need. If you don't struggle with it, then praise the Lord.

God Bless

~Hannah

Mitchell's Bay

The Sin Of Procrastination

    Last weekend, I procrastinated and didn't make my cake for the youth group dessert auction in time. On Saturday, I had my girlfriends over to sew one of the girls a dress. After we were done, I was tired and decided to make the cake later. I could have made it Friday night, but again, I decided it could wait.

    After my girlfriends left, I wanted some chocolate-covered strawberries. So I got my bag of chocolate chips out and confirmed that I had enough for the cake and my strawberries. I should have checked my zucchini as well, but didn't. I should have also baked the cake on Saturday afternoon. But I didn't.

    I decided that I would get up at the crack of dawn on Sunday and make the cake. In theory, it would have worked. But in reality, it didn't. On Sunday morning, I got up and started making it. I'm about to add the zucchini to the batter, only to find that it has gone bad. Okay, fine, put it on hold until Walmart opens and then run over and get another one. I checked and saw they opened up at 8 am on Sunday versus 7, like the rest of the week. The timeline would be cutting it close, but I figured it would work. It didn't. I ran to Walmart and back in 7 minutes. Turned on the oven and finished the batter. The pan I usually use for this cake is 11x15, and it takes an even 40 minutes to bake. The tin foil pan I purchased for the auction is 9x12. So a little smaller, which results in a deeper dish. It wasn't until it was in the oven that I remembered this detail and how it would affect baking time. I was already feeling stressed and bad before it went into the oven. As soon as I realized it would take longer, I felt even worse.

    I explained the situation to hubby and that we would be late for church. I kept checking on the cake, and it kept saying that it was nowhere near done. I'm now even more upset and feel defeated. Last year, I made the same cake for the auction, but fancier, and it didn't work out so well. I thought that if I stayed in my comfort zone and made this cake the usual way, it would work out, and I could properly enjoy donating it and bidding on a cake myself as well. But, yet again, it didn't work.

    I finally texted our senior high youth and young adults pastor and told him I could no longer donate a cake, but I would still donate towards the Overflow fund and help a student pay their way to the conference. The pastor said Thank you for the donation, and no problem about the cake.

    At this point, we are very late and will not be making it to church on time. I'm a hysterical mess and don't want to go anymore. Meanwhile, hubby is trying to decide what the best course of action is. I wanted to stay home and watch online. I didn't want to be around anyone. He is an incredible man of God and the leader of our home. He was torn between pleasing me and pleasing God, but quickly picked God and lovingly led me to church. Of which I am grateful. We left the cake at home and headed to church. I calmed down a few minutes down the road.

    As we drove down the road, I told hubby that I was going to write about the sin of procrastination. We agreed that the proper biblical word is laziness or slothfulness, but the principle still stood.

    Prior to leaving for church, I had already apologized and admitted to procrastinating. Hubby had watched a video a few days before this all happened about how procrastination was a sin because when we procrastinate, we are assuming that God will give us more time down the road to do the task, when in reality, we do not know when God will call us home.

    Long story short. It was a bad morning, and I learned a valuable lesson, and I will work hard to never repeat it again.

    As I was looking up scripture about being lazy, I also started to think about how the mistake I had made was also a lack of discipline, which is also a sin and has its own consequences. So, I will add discipline to my list of things to work on.

Laziness verses:

Proverbs 10:4 "Lazy hands make a man poor, but diligent hands bring wealth."

Proverbs 12:27 "The lazy man does not roast his game, but the diligent man prizes his possessions."

Hebrews 6:12 "We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."

Discipline:

Proverbs 1:1-3" The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Isarel. For attaining wisdom and discipline; for understanding words of insight; for acquiring a disciplined and prudent like, doing what is right and just and fair;"

Proverbs 10:17 "He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray."

God doesn't want us to be lazy. He wants us to be disciplined. He wants us to do a good job and to get our work done ontime.

I pray this blesses and encourages you today, friend.

God Bless

~Hannah

One of my all time favourite pictures I have ever taken.

Girl Time

    I don't get out much. I work full-time and have a family whom I am blessed to love and take care of. I have a handful of friends, two of which I work with which makes it easy to spend time together. We spend our breaks at work together and get together occasionally outside of work. I've also made connections with some ladies from our church's young adults group. Along with a few interests and hobbies, I have a full life and am enjoying it.

    This past Saturday I arranged a coffee time with one of the ladies from our young adults group. We then received an invitation to a lady's praise and cardio session at church. Hosted by our young adult pastor's wife. We signed up, and upon arrival discovered a third lady from our young adults group at the praise and cardio event. We enjoyed each other's company during the workout. We then decided that the third lady should join the first one and me for our coffee chat. She happily joined. We talked for probably an hour and a half about life, faith and everything in between.

    One of the ladies is a new reader of my blog and mentioned that I hadn't posted in a while. I explained that I was going through some stuff. Of which I couldn't quite put words to, and therefore hadn't written recently. My therapist and I later worked through that stuff during our next session. With her help, I figured out the words to describe how I was feeling. I think I had writer's block. We were discussing prayer, and my struggles with praying for myself. God gave me a beak through over my issues with praying for myself. All of a sudden I wanted to write about praying for myself. As if the writer's block had been lifted. A few minutes later I wanted to write about the joy and the necessity of girl time. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I went home refreshed and exhausted from the workout but also filled up from the time of connection. I then went home and crashed. But in the process felt refreshed, rejuvenated and overall amazing. God is good and I'm going to be more intentional about getting out for girl time.

What about you friend, are you being intentional with girl time? If not, join me in practicing being more intentional with girl time.

I pray this post blesses and encourages you today, friend.

God Bless

~Hannah

Cup and Saucer Trail, Manitoulin Island

Praying For Myself

    For quite a while now I have been struggling to pray for myself. I don't recall exactly when it started, but I know that it ends today. It's not that I never pray for myself, but very little.

    The majority of my prayer life is for my hubby and thanking Him for our blessings. But I spend very little time praying for myself. Part of me feels selfish for praying, but that might just be the enemy talking. Another part of me feels like the majority of my life is simple and routine and therefore I can do it on my own. Which is partly true, but also prideful. Because I do need God every day. I need His grace and mercy each morning and all through the day. And yes, I know that prayer is more than just asking God for stuff. It's a conversation and it helps in building an intimate relationship with Him.

    Sometimes I struggle to pray because I'm afraid that the things I'm struggling with are so trivial that I feel silly praying. But I'm realizing now that God wants to hear about them and wants to help me deal with them. He also created me and therefore knows what I will struggle with and is expecting me to talk to him about certain topics.

    Long story short. Which isn't a story, but more a thought. Praying for yourself isn't selfish and not praying for yourself, could be considered prideful. Depending on your reasons for doing it or not doing it. It's a connection with your Heavenly Father and thinking that you don't need prayer is prideful because you are telling God that you can manage on your own, which is also a lie. No one can do life on their own. God designed us to need Him and each other. So pray for yourselves, friends.

I pray that this blesses and encourages you in your walk today friend.

Happy Sunday

God Bless

~Hannah

Capturing God's creation one picture at a time.

Working Through Insecurities With God.

    Whether we are willing to admit to it or not, we all have insecurities. Some people have insecurities about their bodies or a skill set that they either don't have or don't have enough of, and some have both. The one that I'm going to open up about today is my "high/tall" forehead. I have spent years thinking that I had a high forehead. From the wrong angle, and if my hair is tied back I look bald. Also, because I'm pale and blonde, my hairline is not necessarily as apparent as someone with more contrast between the two. Yes, I know, first-world problems. Either way, it's something I struggle with. So I have been hiding my high forehead behind bangs for years. For most of that time, I have loved my bangs. At one point my favourite way to wear my hair was a high bun with my blunt bangs curled up a bit. But it's time to face this insecurity, stop hiding behind my bangs and grow them out.

    I'm still styling them accordingly until they grow out. They have just reached the "in my eyeballs" phase. Yes, I could just pin them back while they grow out, but I don't want to change the direction of my hairline quite yet. Plus I prefer the look of simply pushing them to the side as they grow vs pinning them back.

    When I first made the decision I thought about changing the style of bang. Leave my blunt bangs behind and go back to a side-swept bang. A style that I have always loved but never really worked on me. I thought that I would give them another try. A few days later  I decided that wouldn't be the right decision either, because I would still be hiding behind my bangs and not working through my insecurities. A big reason for working through this insecurity and why I'm sharing it is because I desire to be a godly role model for the next generation of young girls and women. Part of that means being honest about the things that I struggle with and telling/showing the people around me, girls and young women in particular what God is doing in my life.

    I once had a family member who is on the heavier side comment on being insecure about their body. They then said something about how it must be easier to be smaller and have fewer insecurities. Or something along those lines. I don't recall the exact words. All I remember is almost laughing out loud and telling this person that I too, despite being the size and shape that many women want to be, have insecurities. This person was surprised.

    Shortly after deciding to grow out my bangs, I found a new style called "curtain bangs." I have since fallen in love with this style. They are the best of both worlds. They still give me a bang, but they don't hide my forehead.

    I told my therapist about this during my last session and she told me something she learned in art class. That our eyes are the middle of our head and not the top like so many including myself thought. She said that the distance from the top of my head to my eyes was the same as my chin up to my eyes. This was of great encouragement. She also taught me that if I had a shorter forehead then it would mean that my frontal lobe would not be properly developed and I wouldn't be able to process certain things properly. Meaning that it was good that I had a normal forehead. Which was also helpful. She encouraged me through my insecurities and explained that there was nothing to be insecure about.

    Between my loving husband and part of the message this morning in church I have been reminded to look to the Word of God first for answers and not the world around me or the voice in my head. I am to go to the Word of God first and allow His Word to interpret how I view myself vs what the world/my inner critic has told me. God's Word says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14 NIV. God created me beautifully and uniquely and it's my job to accept that. Something I have struggled to believe for a very long time and something I may struggle with from time to time in the future. 

    When I journaled this post a few days ago, this last paragraph was not a part of the original draft, which does happen sometimes. But tonight I was thinking about this post that was nearly ready to be published and looking at it through the lens of the message in church this morning and of the importance of going to God's Word first. I'm sharing all this now to show that I'm not perfect and that I need to practice going to God's Word first more over external sources. Which have their place, but not before the Word of God. Because he is my ultimate source and because of the fall I am a sinful human being.

    Anyway, I pray that this encourages you as you process with God any insecurities you are facing and not to feel bad, silly, etc about the insecurities you are facing. I tend to land in the camp of thinking that my insecurities, especially this one are ridiculous and don't matter in the grand scheme of things. But, if they matter to me, then they matter to God.

God Bless

~Hannah

Its a journey my friend.

February Was a Hard Month.

    February was a hard month. When I started processing this post in my head and heart in the primer booth the other day at work my inner voice told me not to bother and that no one wants to hear about my troubles. For a half second, I thought it was right. Then Holy Spirit reminded me of how the church today expects us to walk into Sunday morning service as if nothing is wrong and to say good morning and put on a happy face. I believe we are trying to break that pattern and today  I decided to "help" in those efforts.

    I'm not here to say "Woe, is me" or anything like that or to say that I have it worse than others. Simply here to vent and process for a few minutes.

    As you know, the month started with hubby's car accident. Obviously, that was a bad day. But we count our blessing with his health intact as we walked away from that accident without a hair on his head out of place. He was cleared by paramedics at the scene. He mentioned some tenderness by his right eye, we figured it was some whiplash, and the pain was gone a day or two later.

    We were blessed with a new vehicle and I am still crying over it whenever I tell someone the full story about how we received it.

    The next few weeks were tough. I'm in extended hours/overtime at work which is helpful for the bank account, but has left me very exhausted, irritable and other such emotions. Of which are unpleasant to feel and live with. I was looking back a week ago and realized that a lot, possibly all the progress that I had been making in therapy had been "undone" so to speak in February because I was simply too tired to give myself grace or remember the things I was learning. I went into autopilot and returned to my old ways, which was not helpful. On the bright side, at least I see what happened and I can move forward and learn from that mistake and try not to repeat it.

    Overtime is still ongoing, but at least I have recognized my exhaustion and such, and am trying to work with it. One more week for sure and then we will see where we are with our progress with our orders.

    The last week of February hubby got a nasty cold/big virus of some sort and he was out for a week. Like I said, it was a rough month and I'm glad it's over.

    We are a week into March now and things are getting better. I'm getting back on track with therapy and working through some problems. Hubby is back to work now and the weather is warming up now. Spring/Second Winter is here so some days I walk Blessing with her boots and coat on and other days we come home and she is covered in dirt and mud. This season I am buying her a slush suit, so no more slush to be wipped off after our walks.

    Thank you for humouring me as I vented about the stress and craziness that was February. I hope that either your month was better and if it wasn't, that you, are reminded that you are not alone in your struggles.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend Friend.

God Bless

~Hannah

He takes my breath away.