I have struggled with change for as long as I can remember. I don't like change. Probably doesn't help that, while I was growing up, my dad joked that the word 'try' was a 4-letter word. Meaning that it was a sware word. Not knowing the potential damage it could do down the road, I adopted that ideology for myself. I recently discovered that the joke isn’t that funny, and no one gets it. So, out the window it goes.
I struggle with change and growth in my personal and spiritual life as well because in my mind, change is scary and unknown. I would rather stay in old bad habits and such because as awful as it is. It's familiar. I have changed a bit of course, but not nearly as much as I could have by now if I had only allowed God to change me.
As you might imagine this causes some tension in our marriage. Recently hubby and I were discussing my lack of change and desire for change. As usual, he was making the argument that change is a good thing, which he is right. Later that morning at work, I prayed and asked God to give me examples of good change. He instantly brought to mind getting sober, walking away from drugs, losing weight, accepting Christ as your Lord and Saviour. It gave me a chuckle. I’m thankful that I don’t struggle with any of these struggles, but I certainly have my own. Anyways.
For a while now I have been praying half hearted prayers about change. Part of me wants change and part doesn't. God is working on me and teaching me that change isn't scary and that it can be a good thing.
We were having a discussion, I misheard part of what he had said in the beginning of his thoughts/ideas. I then responded with my thoughts and ideas, but because I missed what he said in his opening communication, my part went downhill. I thought I was right and trying to explain why I was. I kept repeating myself, thinking that he wasn’t understanding me. Things get heated, words and tones that didn't need to be there entered the room. (Yes, normal, healthy, honest couples argue sometimes. Arguments are okay. It's what you do with the argument that matters) I leave to walk, Blessing. During my walk, I realized how I had misheard his opening thoughts, which he had informed me of a few minutes before I stormed out. I thought through it while I walked, I came to terms with the fact that I was wrong. Emotions were still high at this point, but I decided to direct my emotions and tell them where to go and called him to apologize for my part. I said my emotions were still raw, but I was chosing to apologize before they had a chance to catch up.
He apologized for his side. I didn't want to listen though. I just wanted to grab the negative things that were said and stake my identity on those things instead of listen to the word of God and what He says about me. Because that's easier and doesn't require change. So I told him I didn't want to hear his apology and that he didn't need to say it because it wasn't true. In these moments, he knows that I am listening to the voice of the enemy and not the Holy Spirit. When this happens, he lovingly reminds me of what God says about me. But I didn’t want to listen, so I hung up on him. When I returned home we was gone. He went for a little bike ride.
When he returned home. Apologies had been made, but emotions were still there. I was thinking about just going silent. I didn't want to change my behavior and fix the problem. Then Holy Spirit gently reminded me that change is a good thing. It took me a few moments to get on board with the idea, but I knew He was right. I don't recall what happened after that, but the emotions of our home went back to normal/happy shortly after that.
A few days later, I decided that I would call hubby and ask him to meet me outside of our apartment building so that he could help me with the doors while I get my bike inside after work. It had been a good day, and I knew the frustration of getting through doors after work would take it all down. So I decided to call hubby for help. I called once I was on our street. He was all to happy to meet me outside and help me get in the door. It blessed me and helped to bless our afternoon and evening. I decided to make a change and was blessed for it. Now I call him every day as I arrive home and ask for his help, and every day he is waiting outside with a big smile on his face when I see him.
What I have learned over the last few weeks is that change is, in fact, a good thing, and I am slowly enjoying the results of the changes I am making. Change can be scary, but it's worth it. There are lots of other changes to be made, but one day and one action at a time.
To be honest I see God working in hubby all the time and enjoying my view. I know that I, too, can have that much change and transformation if I just let God do the work. So, I am. Slowly, but surely, I'm letting Him do the work. Teaching me that change is a good thing.
The other night, hubby and I were lying on the couch, enjoying a quiet evening and each other's company. We were talking about how good God is, and all the things He has been doing in our lives recently, and the victories we are seeing in our individual lived and watching it trickle into our marriage. One of the things I shared was how God was showing me how change is good. Hubby made a really good point that I hadn't realized before. Even if you don't like change, you are always changing. We grew up, we physically grew from infants, to children, to teenagers and now adults. Our physical bodies are changing all the time in lots of different ways. Change is inevitable, we simply struggle with changing our hearts and souls. The rest changes without our consent, but we get to choose how our minds, souls and spirits change.
I pray that this post encourages you to make the good changes that God is calling you to make and not to be afraid of them. Yes, change can be scary, but it can also be fun and exciting at times. I’m still learning that part.
God Bless
~Hannah
Soon, by the grace of God, I will no longer recognize the version of myself in this picture.
And that my friend, is exciting.
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